you are doing the best you can with what you know. i created this with the maya angelou quote in mind: “do the best you can until you know better. then when you know better, do better.” bless her wisdom. i have found it to be true, though, that we cannot start choosing better for ourselves until we find compassion for our wounded, traumatized, just trying to survive parts. 🖤
17,17219726 January, 2020
Posted @withrepost • @jordanpickellcounselling
Even when we can thoughtfully explain why our fathers are the way they are, it does not let them evade responsibility for the hurt they caused. We can see the context— they grew up with toxic masculinity, they were treated this way too, they have their own traumatic history, they have their own problems. It just might explain it, but it does not excuse it. Would you also extend that same understanding, that same benefit of the doubt to yourself if you treated your child this way? Or do you hold yourself to a higher standard? Some people cannot seem to muster the anger towards their chaotic, abusive, or absent fathers—maybe you redirect that anger towards your mother or other parental figure or even yourself— the idea that you know better, while your father is off the hook. If you are angry towards your father for the harm he caused— your anger is valid. As a society, the expectation for fathers is a disturbingly low bar. Food and shelter (if you were “lucky” enough to get that from your father) does not negate harm. We should hold fathers accountable for their actions. We should hold fathers to a higher standard. I honour all the complex uncomfortable feelings toward your father— anger, grief, confusion, guilt, pity, hurt. Even feelings of love and compassion can be complicated when it is towards a father who was hurtful. Your feelings and your ways of responding to the hurt is okay. You deserved better. I hope you can experience those ways of being seen and loved and cared for through other relationships now in adulthood. #cptsd#cptsdrecovery#attachment#toxicfamily#abusivefather#adultchildrenofalcoholics#consciousparenting#innerchild#healingfromtrauma#yourfeelingsarevalid#boundariesarehealthy#badfathers
1,0432010 November, 2019
Who can relate to these? Comment below with which one you identify with the most! 👇
I see you. The perfectionist, the type A, the highly ambitious soul.
The one who refuses to ask for help and let others hold you in your time of despair.
The one who is always there for others and the caretaker to many, except your own self.
The strong adult who doesn’t acknowledge their hurt from childhood because it would mean feeling things you don’t feel equipped to feel.
Having childhood trauma does not mean you are visibly struggling to the outside world (even though this can definitely be the case). Sometimes the people with the most trauma are those who keep it together perfectly on the outside and wrap it in a pretty bow.
I know you because I was you. Trying to be more perfect day by day and denying my pain because I thought I was fine.
The warrior archetype that keeps pushing on when they are the very ones that need to be helped.
Gotta throw some tough love at you guys every once and awhile ♥️
2,9411239 December, 2019
some people don’t really love you, they love your lack of & or blurry boundaries & the ways you self abandon in order to cater to them.
in other words, they don’t love you, they love having access to you.
i always say that relationships are our mirrors. who we choose to keep in our inner circle is a reflection of what we believe about US. our boundaries, our beliefs, our self worth or lack thereof.
yes, some people are narcissistic, manipulative, emotionally unavailable, etc.
but if we continue to intimately involve & entangle ourselves with people who are unconscious, with relationships that are unfulfilling or painful, that reveals way more about US than it does about them. to quote @sasha_tozzi, we must shift from: “why are they treating me this way, to “why am i sticking around for it?”
our external realities are reflections of our internal realities. once you begin implementing boundaries & cementing your feet in your standards, people may fall off. let them. they loved you to their own level of consciousness. once you up-level, it’s okay if someone’s best is no longer enough for you.
it’s easy to point the finger at the other person. they’re toxic, emotionally unavailable, etc. while that may be accurate, the truth is is that they were just a mirror, a symptom, of the relationship that we first had with ourselves.
no more letting people who cannot reciprocate have access to our energy.
but first, we must meet ourselves with compassion & uncover & rewire the beliefs inside of us that had us engaging in these types of relationships in the first place. 💫🖤
5,05711612 January, 2020
I was diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder, bipolar disorder, major depression, had 3 psych hospitalizations, was put on Heavily sedating anti-psychotic medications, and was told I should try electro-shock-therapy. And I was 19.
What no one ever asked about was my trauma.
My family’s history of poverty, immigration trauma, my fathers alcoholism, the incest that went on ignored, the gaslighting from my mother, the terror of my dad confessing to me he wanted to kill himself when I was 10 and feeling responsibility for my parents, taking care of my siblings, being the go-between in my parents marriage, and my high school boyfriend sexually assaulting someone very close to me.
There was NO discussing these things in any of the hospitals and therapies I was sent to.
I’m not speaking for everyone, but in my case I was experiencing #CPTSD and it was being treated with labels, diagnosis by professionals, and becoming the black sheep in my family.
I turned to street drugs and became on the outside why I had always felt on the inside. Worthless.
None of this was true, I found out. There was nothing wrong with me, I was a perfect beautiful child with a strong will and personality who was “too much” and silenced. I had parents with unhealed trauma. I took it all on as my stuff. It wasn’t my burden to bear.
So healing has been a journey of reclaiming my WORTH, which is my 2020 “word of the year” as I travel from believing it to fully embodying it 15 years into my trauma healing journey.
To my new followers I’m so glad you’re here. I share my story in hopes that you find some hope and help here too.
Cassandra Solano, LCSW
2,43710320 January, 2020
i actually really don’t like labeling. it goes against my empathic nature to dub anyone as anything negative, as if people cannot change & grow. but in my healing process it has been important for me to identify others & their behavior into categories: safe people & unsafe people.
maybe some day i will give up labels all together, maybe some day i won’t. for now, i use them.
abusers & emotional manipulators, specifically those on the higher end of the narcissism spectrum, are experts at creating illusions. they have a curated image & reel people in with their charm, wit, ‘friendly,’ giving nature, & often times good looks.
as a survivor of narcissistic abuse, it can be extremely confusing to see the person who treated you like absolute dog shit be adored by people in public. it makes you question your entire reality in a way that makes you think: did imagine all of this? was i overreacting? i must truly be a POS if they treat everyone so well, except me. it must really be ME that’s the problem.
let me be the first to tell you, that you are not the problem. these people are MASTER manipulators. everyone has the capacity to be nice at times. Ted Bundy was adored by many - all the while he was pilgriming around the country killing people.
more specifically, if you are a womxn who has never been intimate with a man who is a friend of yours, & another womxn who has approaches you telling you how horribly he has treated her - please - hear her out. i can’t tell you how mind fucking it is to seek support from someone you thought knew your abuser well, all for them to tell you “what are you talking about? he’s a great dude.”
please know that just because you go out with someone on the weekends, are in the same friend group, see them all the time being the cool guy in public, they’re your boss, or you work with them & they seem nice, does NOT mean that you *actually* know them.
& until you’ve been abused by someone who is respected in their community, you just cannot possibly fathom the confusion & cognitive dissonance that ensues.
to survivors: you can trust in your reality. even when no one else believes you. you are not imagining things. 🖤
4,42414928 January, 2020
You are Right. Your feelings are valid. Your perception, even if you were a child, is true. Your beliefs about what happened to you, whether it was big "T" trauma or little "T" trauma, all matter.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
My clients were often invalidated in their experience growing up in dysfunctional families and take this same thinking into their adult romantic relationships. They are unsure of themselves, unclear in what to do in their relationship, and feel confused about what is true.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
They may have a partner adding to their confusion, always blaming them for problems in the relationship. Or they are plagued with self doubt, disconnected from their inner knowing/intuition because in childhood they had to learn to ignore their own truth to SURVIVE.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
This is why at the heart of my programs is helping womxn reconnect with their TRUTH, reclaim their INTUITION, gain CLARITY on their relationships so they can live AUTHENTICALLY.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
And if you know 2020 if your year you are ready to take big action towards healing your life, reach out to me! I'm accepting new 1:1 clients for my highly supportive, 3 month program.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
Serious inquiries head to the link in my bio @cassandra_solano to apply for a complimentary consultation! I look forward to hearing from you!⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
Cassandra Solano, LCSW
2,1344831 December, 2019
Your desires, dreams, and wants matter.
Even if your caregivers made you feel like they didn’t matter. Like you didn’t matter.
Even if you believe those stories you were told and have internalized a sense of insecurity, feeling not good enough, you still matter.
Part of the #reparenting process is giving ourselves what we didn’t receive as children.
So give yourself the validation, approval and love you needed, unconditionally and start now.
Start with “I love and approve of myself exactly as I am” and know your desires in your relationship are 💯 valid.
You deserve an amazing relationship, and it starts with you.
Cassandra Solano, LCSW
2,1077420 hours ago
Latest Instagram Posts
In life’s journey, we move forward and back, but as long as our feet are turned in the right direction, we’re going to be ok.
My dad was an alcoholic. We lived that everything’s fine on the outside while the house burned on the inside. All of that doesn’t change overnight.
The affirmation part of this quote struck me today. It said this: “On this day I will allow that which is dead to be what it is. I will take whatever time I need to fully grieve and then move on.” Today, take time to breathe. You’re not there anymore.
4143 minutes ago
A lot of you asked how to start healing. Healing the mind body connection is a great place to start.
In 2006 I started this practice of checking in with my body throughout the day. I was a case manager sitting at a desk and the work wasn’t hard but the environment was as toxic. When my alarm would go off I would notice my shoulders, Jae, and hips were often super tight. I would take a few deep breaths and invite my body to relax and soften.
My body was just doing what it was supposed to do. “Tensing up” to get me ready for “battle” under the constant perceived threat of “danger” which in modern society isn’t a saber tooth tiger but more like a toxic work space, LA traffic, a stressful relationship, etc.
Now I notice pretty quickly when I’m going into a stress response and can bring myself back to a grounded place more quickly than 15 years or even 5 years ago. It’s a practice.
What’s also important is meeting those tense, tight, anxious parts of us with Compassion. I got caught in the trap of thinking I could spiritually transcend the human experience years ago and understand now that all feelings are valid, all sensations are messages, and “anxiety” is just energy that needs to be directed like the riverbed guides the water.
I love you and know even if you don’t love you that you can have radical self acceptance and extraordinary self love too.
Cassandra Solano, LCSW
PS: get over three hours of free training, education, and tools on healing from the trauma that’s impacting your relationship in my relationship reboot, link in bio @cassandra_solano to access the materials until 2-19-20!
I've been here for a week and the consistency and yogic lifestyle is nourishing.
At Darshan, a bunch of insights came through. It was amazing.
The ex represents my own inner divine masculine in the flesh and wow. He is wounded. I was told to pray for him and as I do so, I heal myself. My wounded divine masculine.
This is why when you work with desires / aversions it's the lightning path, because it's all mirrors for what is inside the psyche.
When I see him, I see myself.
When I maintain my focus on what is attracting me, I see exactly what is inside of me. I don't need to act on it, but observe approve and eventually alchemize or heal it.
1119 hours ago
There is so much guilt involved in removing yourself from the grip of a family member or members.
Not to mention the amount of pressure from society that says, “You can’t do that, they are family!”
Yes... well sometimes family hurts us the most. Sometimes family isn’t safe. Sometimes the most helpful thing we can do is permanently or temporarily take space from those who have hurt us so that we can give ourselves a chance to heal.
When you were continuously in confusing of hurtful situations as a child, it requires a certain level of protection from the adult (you!) to make them feel safe again. Protecting our inner child can mean setting some serious boundaries.
After growing up in environments that promote choosing others over your own well being, it is a radical act of self love to choose yourself ❤️
F*ck guys. I could fill a page of potentially really good partners, amazing opportunities in my career, invitations to deepen relationships with other womxn, and other experiences that would have been beautiful but I didn't because for most of my life I have had a DEEP core wound of UNWORTHINESS.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
So I filtered out, ignored, dismissed, and sabotaged invitations, relationships, opportunities, and experiences that could have been so good for me because I didn't think I deserved it.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
Don't get me wrong. My life is SO beautiful today and I wouldn't change a thing. But I definitely took the LONG road to finally get here at 37.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
Because I didn't feel⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
Because I didn't feel good⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
Because I didn't feel good enough⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
Because I didn't feel good enough for you, the chance, the offer, the opportunity.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
I actually hated myself for a long time. I'm not perfect and still have my moments where my inner critic bites. But I'm able to soften, open, and talk to my inner child and let her know she's safe.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
She's safe to be herself, to feel her feelings, to give and receive love, to be successful, to make mistakes, to really LIVE and feel ALIVE.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
Wishing for this and so much more for all of you dear ones.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
I love you,⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
Cassandra Solano, LCSW
8125022 hours ago
“Stop Crying” really means STOP FEELING what you are feeling because it’s making me uncomfortable or angry.
One of the most damaging things we can say to a child or even an adult is “stop crying.” Let’s break this down and understand the cycle.
So we are told to stop crying as children, stop being angry, stop yelling, stop talking and then we are asked what we are feeling during our teen years because most of us fell into depressive and often suicidal states from not being heard or acknowledged as children and told not to express who we really are.
Then we spend the rest of our lives searching for ourselves and a way to use our voice to be heard as adults because in some twisted way this vicious cycle repeats itself through our romantic relationships, our friendships or in our workplace.
If this happened to you as a child and you still struggle with it today, things are showing you that little you needs your help.
Only you can free your inner child from the chains that bind you to the past.
I have created a series of guided meditations to help you connect to and heal your inner child so the adult you can begin to live in a more present and conscious way.
Look up the group “Healing Little You” on Facebook and watch the videos in the announcement section, that will give you step by step methods to support you to heal little you.
Unresolved memories, traumas and wounds from the past haunt us until we free ourselves from the memory of stress that resides in the body.
If you are someone who unconsciously has been doing this to your child you can begin to turn things around by holding space for them to express and saying things like, “it’s good to cry when you are sad or angry.”
“It’s important to express how you feel.”
38422 hours ago
🏃🏻♀️Today it was my free therapy! 🏃🏻♀️
I love all kinds of therapy! What do you do for self-care?
13123 hours ago
“The key insight here is that a fear of intimacy is not, at its heart, a fear of intimacy. It’s the fear of an insurmountable loss. If you don’t truly believe yourself capable of recovering after the loss of a loved one, you become very vulnerable to losing yourself. And that in itself is terrifying. Avoidance of intimacy might seem like the wisest way to minimize the risk of getting hurt.” From an article on fear of intimacy by Margaret Paul. Margaret goes onto describe how to heal this in the article below: https://www.google.com/amp/s/amp.mindbodygreen.com/articles/the-real-reason-youre-afraid-of-intimacy-and-how-to-fix-it--23535
94717 February, 2020
If you'd like to receive over 3 hours of FREE training I've done over the last 2 weeks on healing your relationships, I'm re-opening the reboot until 2-19!⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
Over 300 people signed up for the challenge and I received dozens of messages and comments in our facebook community from people having huge breakthroughs in understanding why they struggle in their relationship.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
This challenge is helpful whether you're single or in a relationship, regardless of gender or orientation. I break down the SCIENCE of why you may be feeling stuck, anxious, triggered, confused, or in unhealthy patterns in your relationships.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
Head to www.cassnadrasolano.com/reboot to get instant access to all the training + a handout each day to go deeper on each topic and for self reflection.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
This content will only be available until 2-22-20 so dive in!⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
Cassandra Solano, LCSW
51417 February, 2020
17 de febrero
ROLES FAMILIARES “Estamos haciendo una declaración de que ya no seremos leales a la negación y los roles familiares disfuncionales". BRB p. 123
Cada uno de nosotros crecimos jugando un rol en nuestras familias: héroe, chivo expiatorio, mascota o hijo perdido. * Nuestro papel puede haber estado relacionado con el orden en que nacimos, o tal vez con la forma en que reaccionamos de manera innata a nuestra situación. Si tuvimos varios hermanos, probablemente comparto estos roles; Si éramos de una familia pequeña o éramos hijos únicos, podríamos haber tenido que desempeñar múltiples roles.
Cada rol conlleva ciertas expectativas. Incluso si el rol parecía positivo para el mundo exterior, como el héroe, esté probablemente se convirtió en negativo cuando intentamos usarlo mientras navegamos a través de nuestros años de adultos.
ACA nos ayuda a aprender cómo deshacernos de estos grilletes roles. Comenzamos a establecer límites. Actuamos de manera más saludable e "inesperada" en torno a nuestra familia de origen disfuncional. Elegimos no reaccionar más a los eventos que alguna vez nos dejaron fuera de control emocionalmente. El proceso no es fácil y puede llevar tiempo, pero a pesar de todo, aprendemos a vivir la vida en nuestros propios términos. Cuando tenemos éxito, liberamos el miedo, el caos, el control y la rigidez de nuestras vidas. Encontramos una nueva libertad, que es una recompensa increíble.
En este día libero el rol que me asignaron en la infancia. Abrazo mi nuevo rol, "un hijo adulto en recuperación ".
_________________ * Roles de Sharon Wegscheider #aca#acoa#niñointerior#acamexico#hijosadultosdealcoholicos#hijosadultosdefamiliasdisfuncionales#adultchildrenofalcoholics#sobriedademocional#soloporhoy#lecturadiaria www.acamexico.org
If you've struggled with ending toxic relationships, procrastination, setting boundaries with dysfunctional family members, feeling unworthy, depression, anxiety and low-self worth...⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
If you've struggled with trusting your feelings, confusion, self-doubt, hidden anger, secret frustration, and the inability to LIVE your truth, know⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
*You can heal the beliefs that are holding you back! ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
*You can be set free and tell your truth in spite of what others want for you!⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
*You can go through a reorganizing of your own life and SURVIVE!⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
*You can CREATE the life you DESIRE--face the CHALLENGING times--cry if you need to--feel the grief of loss--and THRIVE anyway!⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
One of most significant reasons I want to do what I do--is because it just strikes me as so UNFAIR that abused adults, most of the time, do not even know they were ABUSED in childhood. ABUSE and living in survival mode was their NORM.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
OH HELL NO!⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
That bothers me so much! It bothers me to think, that there is this beautiful light inside of people like you and me--who--by no fault of our own--were born to people who were asleep--and may have abused us either covertly or overtly--and as adults--we throw blankets over those lights--tone ourselves down--allow other people to push us around--we fear rocking the boat and making others angry--ALL WHILE OUR LIFE IS PASSING US BY!!!!!!⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
NO WAY and NO MORE!⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
Okay--I will stop here because I get really FIRED up over the idea that so many AWESOME people out there are ASLEEP and don't know it.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
You get the picture...
my parents are an alcoholic and a codependent; its good for me to talk about because its better to shed light on it rather than hide or normalize; my childhood caretakers were sick and as an adult i have to continually have hard boundaries with those i had loved the most, in order to remain healthy and sane. its a hard and a daily process of raising standards above what seemed normal as a child when relating with others. i love me so much and grateful to art and earth and friends that are my survival #adultchildrenofalcoholics art by @girl.in.a.bottle
What’s holding you back from trying something new?
Is it the fear of looking “dumb”. It was for me with these damn pull ups. I avoided attempting to even try the assisted machine out, because of I was scared of looking dumb for not knowing how to use it. I was also afraid of looking weak, because I can’t do a pull up. I would think to myself..
𝘞𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘪𝘧 𝘐 𝘤𝘢𝘯’𝘵 𝘱𝘶𝘭𝘭 𝘮𝘺𝘴𝘦𝘭𝘧 𝘣𝘢𝘤𝘬 𝘶𝘱?
𝘞𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘪𝘧 𝘐 𝘤𝘢𝘯 𝘰𝘯𝘭𝘺 𝘥𝘰 𝟷?
What if? What if? What if….
𝗪𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐢𝐟 𝐈’𝐦 𝐬𝐭𝐫𝐨𝐧𝐠𝐞𝐫 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐧 𝐈 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐤? 𝗪𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐢𝐟 𝐲𝐨𝐮’𝐫𝐞 𝐬𝐭𝐫𝐨𝐧𝐠𝐞𝐫 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐧 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐤? 𝐆𝐮𝐞𝐬𝐬 𝐰𝐡𝐚𝐭? 𝐘𝐎𝐔 𝐀𝐑𝐄!
We hold ourselves back way too much based on the fear of the unknown, myself included. That stops now!
Think of something you finally decided to try after years of being scared of it. Was it as bad or scary as you thought? How did you feel after?
I can’t do a pull up… YET, but every time I work on them, I get a little closer to that goal. I get a little stronger & a little braver.
How will you reach your goals by doing nothing? You are stronger & braver than you think. Even if you can’t do something you want to do now, it doesn't mean you can’t accomplish it.
This is your Sunday night reminder that you are brave, strong & capable of ANYTHING you set your mind too. Stop letting fear hold you back. #adultchildrenofalcoholics#mindset#nofear#limitingbeliefs#fitnessjourney#noexcuses#fitnesscoach#weightloss#progress#limitless#iifym#nutrition#onlinetraining#brave#strongwomen#empowerment#fatloss#backday#pullups #startanyway#transformation#weightlifting#sustainableliving#coach#stepone
Continuing to share posts that inspire me from other accounts here is a post and caption by @theholisticingredient and quote by @holly
When we separate our voices by speaking our own truths we can unite collectively to share them. My truth is my own. Yours belongs to you.
~ Roxanna 🖤🖤🖤
Posted @withregram • @theholisticingredient Isn't it often one of the most inspiring things to hear someone speaking their truth, particularly online, without fear of reprisal. Speaking in such a way as not to preach or rage or judge; just sharing her truth openly, authentically. There can be an art to this, I think. I recall a few years ago feeling so awakened by people who had the capacity to do this - to just show up and speak, openly and without fear, whatever was on their mind. Hearing their words simply fuelled and empowered me to use my own voice, and to show up us ME, the only version of me I can ever truly be.
It isn't my job to convert you to my way of thinking; I am not responsible for your choices or for your life and nor do I have the answers. But I sure do know that if each of us show up with the commitment to speak our truth (in a compassionate way) we can only together empower others to do same. What say you? (Quote: @holly x)
Compromising VS Codependency.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
When I talk about putting your relationship first and the necessity of compromise, it can trigger a part of us that's healing and trying to break free from codependent behaviors and old survival responses from trauma such as settling, fawning, neglecting our own needs, silencing ourselves, playing small, etc.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
The key to know whether you're compromising vs. caving in or collapsing into old codependent patterns is to check in with "who is in the drivers seat" right now?⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
If it's your Adult Self, you are in a ventral, calm, regulated, grounded state. You may be upset and activated, but still feel like you're your own age and your mature adult self.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
If it's your wounded Inner Child, you may feel not your current age, in flight, fight, freeze, or fawn, you may feel tightening in the chest or stomach, disconnected from your body, and out of control over your reactions.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
Cultivating a mindfulness practice is KEY in healing our relationships because when we are more mindful of who is in the "drivers seat" of our brain and our body, we are better able to discern what we are feeling and what we need in the moment.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
Do you need to compromise and work together? Do you need to put your foot down and hold a firm boundary? Do you need to yield on an issue? Are you putting the relationship first? These questions are best answered when our adult self in in the drivers seat. Get grounded and regulated first then you can answer these questions in a relationship conflict.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
And if you need support implementing tools like this that you're finding on IG, reach out to me! I'm accepting new 1:1 clients and group clients (group starts very soon!). Head to the link in my bio @cassandra_solano to apply today!⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
Cassandra Solano, LCSW
This feels like anguish, being inside of it, yet the seduction of the suffering has us on a tether. Familiar codependent tendencies become ingrained, we ask for permission for everything, and seek approval everywhere, making us lost.
This is what I feel needs more education and awareness. The despair story is very real for many. And I have compassion for it because I’ve been there.
I was raised in non stop trauma, terror, and shame. The breaks of peace stand out in my mind, due to there being nothing but screaming, rage, and fear in the air through out childhoodI.
I truly believed the messages of pain & shame offloaded by my mother on to me for decades after.
I ‘lived’ in a fog of anxiety, depression, and isolation. The shame she infused in me compounded it all. The solution was me being willing to allow the worthless victim story to cease. It was never mine to begin with.
Connecting to our Divinity isn’t a f*cking luxury beloveds. It’s a necessity.
If we want to TRULY have agency over our lives, emerge as sovereign, free beings, Ego Narratives must die.
We must heal trauma with connecting to Divinity, practice Forgiveness, and embrace our Sacred Inner Child.
Awareness of our stories is a gift. It is an opportunity to allow it to fall away, grieve, and move a step closer to clarity of who we are.
Whole and Complete Spiritual Beings, having a beautiful Human Experience.
Please tag someone that would benefit by reading this.
“Certain traits—otherwise known as coping styles—magnify the risk for illness by increasing the likelihood of chronic stress.
Common to them all is a diminished capacity for emotional communication.
Emotional experiences are translated into potentially damaging biological events when human beings are prevented from learning how to express their feelings effectively.
That learning occurs—or fails to occur—during childhood.” -Gabor Maté, When the Body Says No 🖤 ***You can learn how to properly understand and communicate what you feel NOW—no matter what age, no matter how difficult it may seem. You can learn now. It’s never too late.***
53116 February, 2020
In honor of Valentines Day weekend, this weeks “Sober Saturday Night” slumber party is brought to you by my favourite duo of queens of Rom Coms: Nora Ephron & Meg Ryan. What’s your favourite collaboration of theirs ? These are such feel good movies. Strong women overcoming life challenges and heartache. Good role models too - they handle it - you never see them drowning their sorrows away in Smirnoff. “I’ll have what she’s having!” - everyone who sees how much my life is better in recovery
My perfect idea for a Saturday night - popcorn, classic movie, FEELINGS, and friends. See, Nora Ephron gets it. I don’t see Annie & Becky chugging down Merlot. They just need Deborah Kerr & Cary Grant ❤️ “I’ll have what she’s having!” - everyone who sees how much my life is better in recovery
IT’s HERE!!!!!💘 @sober.vibes Podcast will be launching 2/20/20 🎉🎉🎉🎉 I need your help and you can win some cool prizes. ‼️GIVEAWAY ALERT‼️ I'm running a giveaway that runs today through Thursday when the first episode will air. If you subscribe, rate, and review the podcast, you will enter a chance to win an Amazon Gift Card and some swag! You can currently listen to a sample of what the show is going to be about. Super excited to be having my sissy @madamoisellekimberly on with me... a show within a show about sisters who suffered with addiction and now are in recovery. We promise to make you a little.
I'm going to pick TWO winners for this contest! Feel free to share this in your stories as well that is an added entry to the contest.
Please make sure email me , firstname.lastname@example.org, or send me a DM on social media with your screenshot of the review!
The Sober Vibes Podcast can be found on all podcast apps if you don't know how to listen to a podcast comment below and I will let you know.
Direct link to the show is in the link in my bio with @itunes
128715 February, 2020
h y m n ➕ The world is a beautiful place, and I belong here.
Compromise has been one of the most challenging aspects of these last five years. I don't mean compromise as in "let's meet in the middle of something." I mean compromise as in accepting standards that are lower than is desirable.
Relationships can bring so much into our lives, whether they are intimate partnerships, colleagues, friends, or family members. They can act as mirrors, they help us grow, but they also expose us to worlds we may never have chosen to enter on our own-and for a good reason.
We don't belong there.
The last few years have been full of some incredibly beautiful moments, but they have also been tainted by people, places, and things I would never have (and still wouldn't) chosen for myself. I actively lowered my standards in an effort to compromise.
And compromise I did! I have also paid a huge price for it.
Taking responsibility for your side of the street is always a challenge. Compromise looks a lot like manipulation when the light shines just right.
Why didn't I speak up?
Why didn't I stand my ground?
Why did I allow that situation to get so out of hand?
Maybe it's the unconscious conditioning that strong, educated, intelligent, worldly women are often looked at as "difficult" by unhealthy people. And who wants that label? No one.
That is until now. I will gladly be labeled difficult in service to my own life. Especially if the person calling me difficult isn’t someone I would ever ask for a tissue never mind advice or opinions.
About five years ago, my mother listened as I shared about some recent compromising experiences and said: "if you already feel defeated, then compromise will only make you feel worse." I've chewed on that piece of wisdom for a while and have found it to be true every single time.
The world will never be served by me shrinking to adapt to liars, cheats, and thieves. It only allows them to feel more comfortable and brazen.
So, the hymn for the next year, next decade, and the rest of my life will be, "The world is a beautiful place, and I belong here." Let's take up space.
28515 February, 2020
Nothing changes if nothing changes.
One of my favorite quotes.
It takes a lot to change the life you were born into and have only known and been living for 18, 25, 40+ years. You must undo bad, maybe even toxic, learned behaviors. How you cope with things. How you see life, people, relationships. Your lack of discipline. Your perfectionism. Your over controlling or lack of boundaries with people. How you see yourself or feel about yourself.
The only way to change you and your life is to put one foot in front of the other and seek help. Therapy, a 12 step, and read and journal a lot.
It's so worth it! And, you are so worth it! ❤
What you do today, affects tomorrow. ❤
Remember that you are always thought of.
Much love ❤
Today’s traditionally a day to acknowledge and celebrate love. Someone just shared with me that it is statistically when men spend the most money. Rock on guys… I guess.
I am all for expressing love. But what about a celebration of loving ourselves?
I know I know, it’s all over the inter-web. Cheesy. But we just have too many things to do, things to buy, status to attain, women/men to get to notice us, get thin, and work like a dog for that promotion.
if you don’t put your abandonment woundings under a microscope, and finally examine them, you won’t receive the dreamy, healthy relationship with not drama’ that you’re always going on about.
You are calling it into your field. If you won’t bother to heal traumas that caused these patterns to emerge, don’t bother to expect great things in your life.
All of this ghosting crap, bullshit excuses and how you don’t have time, there are not enough good women/men, you’re not ready, and using aholisms to quiet the voice that condemns you..WILL guarantee you won’t receive what you desire most.
What about healing the codependency that fuels it?! Radical idea.
This is the world at large and we are at a tipping point where we must risk moving out of isolation, and examining the abandonment wounds that are keeping everyone from the happiness that is right within their grasp.
If you are truly ready to be over your BS, great! I can teach you the how and the know to get to this collaborative, deep, and loving partnership you crave.
Your mission should you choose to accept it is to work with me for 8 weeks 1:1.
What we do together~
If this struck an arrow in your ❤️ DM me, let’s chat to see if we are a good fit to work together.
I'm a student interested in mental health and suffering from depression myself. Majority of my problems come from my childhood with an alcoholic parent and I wanted to create a supporting page to reduce the stigma about alcoholism. All I have for now is a lot of experience how life with a parent that suffers from mental illness can be and therefore all I can do to help others is to share my thoughts and experiences and in that way help others.
❗I'm not a psychologist or a professional in any way and therefore I hope to get feedback if I say something that's not correct ❗
It's #childrenofalcoholics week.
Being able to relax isn't something children of alcoholics usually find easy.
You either worry about others and making sure they're ok, or you feel you have to do something. When you don't you feel guilty.
Some find their own company hard and don't like being on their own. I used to be that way but now I enjoy my own company. I think I was forced into it when I had foot surgery and now I like it.
If it we saw relaxing as an important thing, as important as other things. Look at your values and discover what's most important.
Is it fulfillment, helping others, earning money, achieving things? Why are those more important than relaxing? Is it because it's for others and not you or that you get more from those things so you don't see the value in relaxing?
Johuey.co.uk for more support or go to my group on Facebook and search for daughters of alcoholics.
6 months ago I started talking openly about my mother’s abuse - on Instagram, in my book, on the radio - basically everywhere people would listen. I did it - and still do it - because the number of people who are affected by a family member’s abuse, and the impact it has on their lives is so underestimated.
We need to talk openly about this, so we can break the taboo, and help both the addict and their family better.
Like sober alcoholics get their sobriety chip, I’m celebrating 6 months of openness with this drawing. It’s for me, and it’s for all of you, who are not afraid of breaking the silence. Keep it up 💪 #alanon#acoa#alcoholism#addiction#sobiety#6months#girlinabottle#celebration#openness#shareyourshame#parents#adultchildrenofalcoholics