People that have strong dismissive avoidant tendencies often learned long ago that many of their needs would not be tended to.
They had to learn ways to play with themselves and regulate their own feelings.
Deep down, they want close connection just like you do, but they feel incredibly invaded upon and exposed when you get too close.
They rarely had anyone engage them, or perhaps they were engaged, but in ways that were (too) invasive, so they had to eventually learn to shut down.
If your partner tends to shut down quickly during fights or when feelings become intense, this might be why.
They also have a hard time going from “solo time” to “connection time.”
They spend a lot of time energy regulating themselves, and when someone tries to “interfere” with wanting connection, that can feel highly threatening.
In order for your partner to feel safer to lean into connection with you, they will need you to understand this internal struggle that they experience.
After spending time apart, try giving them some alone time to transition before requesting connection.
Ask for a hug and kiss and then let them unwind a bit so they can be more present for you.
Spend time in activities where the focus isn’t just on you two.
For example, going to a concert, taking a fun class together, are all things that can help bring their guard down.
It can help them get in touch with their feelings of connection towards you.
Your partner is likely desperately wanting to connect with you deep down, but they often have to sit through some awful thoughts and feelings first in order to get there.
Those thoughts and feelings usually have (nothing) to do with you, but they are triggered by you.
Closeness with you often triggers painful memories of being left alone or invaded upon.
There is something magical that happens when we begin to understand our partner.
It doesn’t mean we won’t get hurt by disconnecting behaviors.
But we can learn to ask for connection in ways that also honors our partner’s pain.
We can learn to tolerate doing things that might feel counterintuitive .. so that both partner’s can win. #coachingwithsilvy
🕯 Practise this mental relaxation exercise for half an hour every day and you will soon experience how easy it is to detach your body and take your thoughts away from your surroundings. .
In the future, when you’re having anxiety or an attack, you can use what you’ve learned from this technique to calm the symptoms and minimize the severity of the attack, making it go away faster. #anxietygone
6852116 February, 2020
In our journey towards healthier relating, we might find ourselves wanting to pull away from those who don’t immediately (get) our new way of being.
We might find ourselves proudly and (sometimes arrogantly) claiming our long-neglected boundaries.
While (we) have probably spent a lot of time integrating this phase to healthier boundaries, those around us likely haven’t.
All those around us likely know is that on one ordinary day, they find us feeling more distant, and more assertive in our own needs.
I want to speak to the discomfort that lives in that in-between space.
I want to speak to that confusing period of time when two people don’t know if they will be able to adjust or find each other again on the other side of newly founded boundaries.
In my own journey of reclaiming my own boundaries, I have not always put (enough) words to my experience.
As someone who has some avoidant tendencies, I already struggle enough with sharing my internal experiences with others.
But in stressful moments, I have often locked away my own internal processes even more fiercely.
To protect myself.
To desperately hold onto my newly founded boundaries in fear that they might be “taken away” from me.
The reality is that some people will never hear our boundaries no matter how we express them.
Some people will never be able to hear our new limits because it will touch a pain that feels too raw for them to face.
But some people will want to sit with us in our awkward confusion.
Some people will want to bear witness to the reclaiming of our forgotten selves.
Here are some words I wish I would have known to say to loved ones that are no longer in my life.
I hope you find some healing in them 🙏🏻
“I know I haven’t been including you in my internal process lately.”
“I’m afraid of being taken advantage of if I share some of my new boundaries.”
“I’m terrified of hurting you .. so I don’t say anything .. which I know just hurts you more.”
“I don’t even know if you’d have a hard time with my new boundaries .. I can see that I haven’t really given you a fair chance.” #coachingwithsilvy
Sending you so much love and healing on your journey with boundaries 💙
5,2191575 hours ago
This is the truth of truths.
Every person we become close to and begin to depend on will absolutely trigger us.
Being triggered in itself is not at all a bad thing.
It is simply information.
Our triggers help us understand what’s important to us.
They bring to surface feelings and experiences that were not given the full space they needed to fully integrate.
Expressing what is (behind) our triggers can be a powerful way to bond and connect more deeply with our partner.
But how those triggers are expressed and responded to are essential to developing healthy relating.
And the good news is that both of those are relationship skills we can learn to get better at if we want to.
Here are some questions to explore about yourself when you become triggered:
~Am I sharing my pain without attacking or blaming my partner?
~Am I expressing what I need to feel better?
~Do I take the time to explore what my trigger was connected to from my past?
~Do I make effort to apologize and repair if I do express my pain in harsh ways?
~Do I give myself permission to simply (feel) my feelings without trying to over-analyze or justify them?
Here are some questions to explore about your partner’s (or past partners) response to your triggers:
~Does my partner respond to my pain with warmth and sensitivity when I share in a non-blaming way? ~Do they make effort to understand what my pain is really about?
~Do they share their own pain and triggers with me?
~Do I feel calmer and more connected to my partner after I share the root of my pain?
These questions are simply a guide.
They can help you assess where you might be feeling stuck or see what might be missing.
They can help you better understand what needs to be communicated more clearly so that you feel more soothed upon sharing.
Some of us need to learn to take more responsibility while others need to take less.
Some of us are really good at self-expression while others are really good at responding and empathizing with pain.
And the rest of us might be more focused on simply getting really good at the art of repair. #coachingwithsilvy
What helps you better manage your triggers?
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3,2553413 hours ago
I’ve been getting a lot of questions about how to ask for support from loved ones when it comes to dealing with our anxiety. Here are some thoughts on that.
I also wrote a blog post that dives into all this in more detail if you’d like to read that and provides more suggestions for how to ask for support. As always, you can find that through the link in my bio.
And if you really want to dive in more deeply, early bird pricing for The Work of Healing Anxiety course ends on February 29th. We’ll be talking lots more about that in the course throughout April and May so if you’re interested in doing the work, come join us. Link for that is also in my bio!
When stress makes you feel strong anger, aggression, or fear, the fight-or-flight response kicks in. It can usually result in a sudden, illogical, and irrational overreaction to the situation. It happens when a situation causes your amygdala in your brain to hijack control of your normal response to stress. Overtime if you suffer from continuous anxiety the amygdala can grow bigger and that's why fear an anxiety can become your go to reaction and/ or emotion. Studies have shown that daily mindfulness meditation or CBT therapy can help shrink the amygdala back to its normal size - helping reduce anxiety. Understanding this process has really helped me come to terms with my anxiety realising that it doesn't have to be a forever thing. I've decided to take control of my anxiety by retraining my brain to react in a more positive and proactive way through daily mindfulness meditation. X
3114 minutes ago
Just something I want to share about my constant panic attacks ever since the day I experienced it. Up to this day, it's feels unexplainable and impending.
Reminder 👸🏼. You cannot change a person who doesnt see an issue in their actions.
See y'all in the morning, Facebook Whims and Glam with Holly for coffee and convos😎
1140 minutes ago
*I do not own the rights to the music*
I made it and I’m sooo happy 😃 thank you to my friends @terina.davies_scentsy for nominating me such an awesome cause 🙌
This is not easy the struggle is real.... But that's ok I'll go through the pain so you can be heard! 👊
Day 25 of the #25pushupchallenge
I will be conducting 25 push-ups for 25 days to help raise awareness for things such as PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder), anxiety and depression that drive people to commit suicide.
One of the main reasons I got into baking in the first place was because of my MASSIVE sweet tooth 🤭🙋🏼♀️ I started finding healthier alternative recipes when I was feeling like something really sweet and that’s what got me addicted to healthy baking. But what has grown that has been the impact it has on my mental health.. it may sound crazy to a lot of people (as a lot of people hate being in the kitchen haha) but baking & cooking help my anxiety SOO much. I turn some fun tunes on, start chucking random ingredients in a bowl and that’s all I think about for an hour. It is possibly the only tool I have found that has turned my mind off and helped bring my anxious thoughts down. Plus, the benefit of getting to eat yummy food afterwards is always a positive! 😋 Everybody has their thing that makes them truely happy so I’d love to know yours in the comment below! What’s one thing that clears your head and gets you feeling happy again? ☺️
Ps: Even if you don’t like baking/cooking, I dare you to spend 30mins making a recipe next time you feel anxious and I 100% bet it will make you feel better ❤️
Everyone feels afraid or worried at times, but if these feelings begin to take over your life, then you may have crossed over into generalized anxiety disorder (GAD). According to the Anxiety and Depression Association of America (ADAA), generalized anxiety disorder is the most common anxiety disorder among older adults.
Here are some tips on how you can distinguish between everyday anxiety and anxiety that may need some treatment.
Are you ok?
It’s ok to ask for and receive help. It’s ok to let others know that you are finding life a bit more challenging than normal at the moment.
When we lived in tight knit communities this naturally happened in ebbs and flows and we supported each other through the good and more difficult times.
There are many reasons behind why someone might not feel like it’s safe or ok to ask for help. Whether they feel like they will be judged (by themselves or by others) for not being able to do it on their own or for not being able to push on through or maybe it could be a fear of being rejected or a problem to others or not wanting to worry anyone. For some maybe it feels like there is no one to ask. Maybe they just don’t feel worthy to have there needs meet.
Like anything asking for help is like building muscle, it takes practice and it can even feel uncomfortable along the way but in the end IT MAKES YOU STRONGER!
If you feel like there is know one to ask call @beyondblueofficial or @lifelineaustralia for support and guidance.
If you would like to support mental health in Australia, I am raising money for @beyondblueofficial by walking the 30km @coastrek walk in May. If you feel called I would really appreciate your support xx
Link in bio, sorry I don’t have a credit for this image.
We went to meet the amazing trainer Erin today to see what’s going on with maddie. So Maddox is not at all aggressive Erin believes maddie suffers from high anxiety along with obsessive and possessive attitude toward me. When maddie was leashed 10 feet away unable to get to me she just about hung herself trying. Along with her not being able to focus on anything but me. I thought it was normal for a dog to always want to be touching and near you as their mom but apparently maddie has developed an unhealthy attachment. So we have a lot of work building her confidence and working on her mental health. But mommy loves you maddie moo we will get you better. #highanxiety#highanxietydog#mentalhealthawareness#mentalhealth#mentalhealthforeveryone#mentalhealthfordogs#anxiety#anxietyproblems#anxietyawareness#anxietydog
2011 hour ago
Is it possible to harness your fear and anxiety and use them for your benefit?
I did not have a school day. Despite what I expected, I did not feel board but actually had a really calm and peaceful day. I had a very healthy and delicious lunch at the cafeteria and then did a lot of planning, talking with my roommate, working out, tutoring for a girl and watching TV show. I am grateful that I find a positivity in days like today because it’s so easy to feel depressed and hide in my bed instead. I don’t have much to say on here today but one thing to mention is that I only have one day left for my 31-day of exercise challenge! My next challenge is to only eat 2 cookies a day for a month🍪 I usually write long ass journal but that’s it for today. I hope you all have a peaceful night. Good night🥰 I am gonna do what it takes to be happy. It would mean a lot to me if you show your support through likes, comments, & follows and be a part of my journey. -grow through what you go through - in the process of becoming the best version of myself -be kind. always.
I called a friend in tears today. I was overwhelmed with life and feeling anxious.
I know it’s been a while since Ive posted. It’s been a hard season. But I wanted to share for those that need to hear this reminder... As my friend sat on the phone with me and listened to my blubbering, acknowledging my heartache, she graciously stopped me and gently spoke a simple truth over me. “Bella- don’t let this steal your joy. Don’t let the enemy win”. In the midst of confusion and complete exhaustion, she reminded me that while I might feel defeated, I’m not. My joy, my hope, my courage, come from above, and it cannot be taken from me. In the unknown, He gives us courage. In the confusing moments, He gives us hope. In the darkest of days, He gives us joy. Nobody and nothing can take those away from us. I can find joy right where I am at, even if that isn’t a place I want to be. So remember that when you are walking in the valleys, and everything may seem bleak, your joy can be found in Him who knows all of your tomorrows. Keep an eternity mindset, friends, it’s much easier to face life’s trails when you do. ♥️
35102 hours ago
Mental disorders are among the leading causes of ill-health and disability worldwide.
Treatments are available, but nearly two-thirds of people with a known mental disorder never seek help from a health professional. Stigma, discrimination and neglect prevent care and treatment from reaching people with mental disorders.
Research suggests that people who ask for help when faced with illness have a higher chance of recovering than those who stay isolated .
Your mental health matters, and it’s OK to reach out for help.
To depress means to reduce the level or strength of activity in something.
I know Satan wants me to believe that I’m not worth it, that I have no strength to be a beacon of light for others, that there is no place for me in God’s kingdom because I’m not always able to feel His love. I know he wants me to give up. HOWEVER, I’m here to say that if you are dealing with #depression or any form of #mentalillness , this DOES NOT mean you are worthless, and this DOES NOT mean you are weak, and this DOES NOT mean God has forgotten you, and this most definitely DOES NOT mean that God’s light can’t shine through you.
Even though I deal with depression, God DOES NOT stop working through me! My husband has pointed it out several times for me to see (which I’m so grateful for), and I’ve noticed it for myself, as I’ve looked for it, that as I continue to BE OBEDIENT and just TRY to be more like Jesus Christ, He is able to teach through me. I open my mouth and words come out and my kids are being taught what is important.
As my kids and I sat down to read scriptures (I hadn’t planned an #fhelesson yet) we began talking about the temple. The thought came to my mind to drive by the #temple and show the kids. As we drove, the kids noticed how you can see it from the freeway. They also noticed how bright it is compared to other things around it. When we got to the top of the mountain, we stopped in front of the temple. We talked about how the temple helps us remember Jesus Christ. It helps us remember to be like Him. Because it’s so bright, people can’t miss it. And as they look, they remember. We then talked about being a temple ourselves and that we can be as bright as the temple if we are obedient and follow Him. His light can shine through us. When others see us they can see Him.
I deal with depression, but this DOES NOT mean I’m weak. Philippians 4:13...I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.
p.s. flying solo is not that fun...missing my man tonight! It just isn’t the same without you here! #48of365#ldsliving#comefollowme#anxiety#anxietyawareness#depressionawareness
are you living in the mindset of “just getting by”, or are you truly showing up, making decisions that affect you in the long run?
we’re so stuck in a short-term, instant mindset society that we forget our health isn’t a quick fix.
being a part of a company & a business where my health is my 𝗡𝗨𝗠𝗕𝗘𝗥 𝗢𝗡𝗘 priority is... incredible. taking care of my mindset, moving my body 30-45min / day from home, and having a flexible meal plan designed for my goals? 𝗦 𝗧 𝗘 𝗟 𝗟 𝗔 𝗥✌🏼
and it’s cool cuz the same tools I have access to, 𝗬𝗢𝗨 get them too when you join our accountability group (or our team as a coach for that matter)
if you aren’t showing up for yourself, WHO THE HECK ELSE WILL? 𝗦𝗘𝗥𝗜𝗢𝗨𝗦𝗟𝗬. put yourself in check & take a hard look into your soul. how are you showing up for yourself towards 𝗟𝗢𝗡𝗚 𝗧𝗘𝗥𝗠 health?
surround yourself with more people who ALSO take care of themselves - the ones who 𝗥𝗘𝗠𝗜𝗡𝗗 𝗬𝗢𝗨 we don’t live in a world where quick fixes & short-term health goals are sustainable.
get some long-term lifestyle habits in your life and don’t forget it takes time to change old habits, but it ain’t impossible when you have practical tools & a solid support system✌🏼😘 (cough 𝗠𝗘 & 𝗠𝗬 𝗚𝗜𝗥𝗟𝗦 cough)
2233 hours ago
Anxiety knows no gender. It doesn't care if you are a man, a woman, or somewhere in between. Society however, does care. For too long men have been told to, "man up", "don't cry", or "stop acting like a girl" when men express their emotions. All across television and movies are men the emotion stable ones, pushing aside their feelings because they are supposed to look "strong". It is because of these societal influences and stigmas that men don't seek help during times of anxiety or depression and are 3.5 times more likely to die from suicide.
But men have anxiety and depression too. Men feel the need to cry and talk to someone about their emotions too. But as a Western culture, we see it as a sign of weakness. And too often men do not get the help they need because they are afraid of looking weak or effeminate and that the very thought of having emotions will make them less of a man in their friends eyes, or worse, in the eyes of a stranger.
We need society to change, and to show men that it's ok to get help. We need American culture to portray men sitting around a table, drinking beers talking about their feelings. So much of what our culture and norms are made from begin in television and movies. But writers won't make those changes unless they see Americans beginning to display those characteristics.
So men, take to Facebook and say you're feeling down and need to talk. Ask your male friends how they really feel, and when they say "fine", make sure they aren't just hiding their feelings because they are supposed to look manly. Everyone, no matter their gender deserves to get the mental health help they need and deserve. We need to make men feel ok to express their feelings and seek help, because the alternative of keeping it inside until they make a permanent decision is not a place we should be.
Keep on, keeping on. .
RAW - the transformation between before and after Make up 😳
It's embarrassing, many of us are uncomfortable in our Skin without makeup & our hair done, but love your body the way it is!
Be confident in who you really are, what you look like, no one is perfect we all have imperfections - even the most confident girl or guy you may meet will have theirs but if you are prepared to rock yourself even with your imperfection then trust me - NO ONE WILL KNOCK YOU DOWN! 🌟
Some days are better than others.. of course, that goes for all of us, in general. But when you deal with multiple mental illnesses/struggles and auto immune diseases.. you can sometimes feel them creeping up on you. Like a few nights ago, I started getting that dreaded feeling of a depressive rut coming and a flare up already starting. I just feel it in every way.. mentally, physically, emotionally. My body aches, my brain is on overdrive, and I just feel.. everything. So today, I just unplugged and got some rest (as much as I could). It took everything in me to get out of bed. But I’m glad I did. My day might not have been as productive as I planned for it to be but.. I MADE IT through today. And that’s all I can hope for. There have been times in my life I didn’t want to make it to tomorrow and I’m happy that I haven’t felt that way in a long time. What may not seem like progress to others (because they can’t see an invisible illness and don’t know or understand what may be going on in our minds), can be major progress for you personally. I’m happy I made it through last night and today and I look forward to tomorrow being better. I work hard each day to keep pushing and not giving up.
I’m blessed in so many aspects of my life. So.. I keep going. And I will as long as I have air in my lungs. I’m about to take a shower, wash my hair, finish laundry and get ready for work tomorrow. I’m proud of myself. And if you made it through today, I’m proud of you.. let’s kick tomorrow’s ass. (Yes, I rambled and this post is all over the place but it helps me to write out and articulate my feelings so.. 🤷🏼♀️ - also, if I can help one person understand they’re not alone, I’ll be vulnerable and share my struggles anytime. If you need someone to talk to for any reason, my messages are always open to YOU. We need you here so.. let’s keep moving forward, one day at a time.) xo, kayla
2314 hours ago
Last little bit of this “How to Sleep with Anxiety” series I’ve been doing 🎉 Anxious thoughts and laying down to sleep where all the to do lists or worries suddenly come at me has been something I’ve struggled with at different points in life so I’ve found some things that have helped soooo much!! Check out my highlights for the other two posts so you can have all three!
Here we go for Pt.3😍😍
For a long time I’ve been able to sleep really well especially since Ronun does now😂 #momlife right?! But a couple weeks ago I went to bed and laid there thinking about nothing, really, then suddenly all the thoughts came at once. After a bit I fell asleep only to wake up 10 minutes later and couldn’t fall asleep until 3 am 😱
Eventually I got tired of that 🙄and decided to try something that had worked before. I grabbed my bottle of Frankincense and just sat in my bed, inhaling it slowly for about a minute then laid back down again.
No joke, I felt like I had been drugged, my brain felt so tired all of a sudden and I was out like a light and didn’t wake up until Ronun woke me🙌🏼 I hope these little tips bless you all, I’m always happy to send out some sample of my favorite sleep oils if you all want to try this tip❤️❤️ Sweet Dreams 😴
Depressed & Anxious (and sometimes still is)
Struggling to find her way
Scraping by, walking 50 blocks to save the $2.50 subway fare home
Working 60 hours a week with not much to show for it after paying the bills
Eating rice and beans over and over and over and over
Had a "worst care senario" plan of how to live in my car if it came to that. (It didn't)
If you aren't living the life you desire, KEEP GOING. I'm still building mine.
If you need help, ASK FOR IT. I know it feels awful to ask sometimes, but it's worth it.