Have taken this week off work as I just don’t feel ready to go back. I decided that if I have this week off I really need to use it for proper R&R and not just sitting on the sofa watching crap TV but... it’s 12:30pm and I’m sitting on the sofa watching crap TV.
I’m going to use today to finish this knitting project (watch this space!) and plan activities for this week so I can feel really refreshed and recovered before going back to work. I also just feel in the need for retail therapy so I think some time on Amazon is in order and maybe a trip to Oxford Street later in the week... #knitting#doctor#tea
New plan to survive: write down absolutely everything I need to do on a to-do list. Currently standing at 23 items.
So far today I’ve emailed my supervisor at work to apologise for not officially calling in sick (I whatsapped my team but didn’t let the rota coordinator know because I was just too out of it) so I’m waiting for her response; she’s been generally understanding so far so I’m hoping she’ll understand again. I’ve also spent a good hour decorating my room with photos, all of memories that make me smile. Mostly of my medical elective in the Caribbean (BEAUTIFUL scenery), a holiday to Iceland (BEAUTIFUL scenery) and my dead dog (when she was alive obvs) and living guinea pigs.
I’m hoping that semi-structuring my time and giving myself minimal time to sit around and think myself into suicidal thoughts will help pull myself out of this hole I’ve got myself into. #todo#todolist#notebook
Today I set myself the same challenge as yesterday - to pick an outfit and stick to it. Due to IBS I can develop quite a bloated stomach, which has always made me feel insecure and means I try to hide it as much as possible.
I'm learning that a bloated stomach doesn't take away from my self-worth. A flat tummy doesn't suddenly mean I'm more worthy, more important, more beautiful. Nor does having a smaller nose, smaller feet, slightly straighter teeth or any of the other things I sometimes feel are 'wrong' with me.
Yesterday I asked myself a different question, instead of asking "What is wrong with me?", I asked, "What is RIGHT with me?" I can tell you, asking that question has empowered me beyond belief. It helped me to realise, I AM in control.
I thought I had an appointment with the psychologist today but it's next Monday so I'm Im on the sofa with zero intentions of moving. I feel utterly wiped out this morning, my eyes are so heavy from all the crying and my head is pounding from the huge lump on the side of it they act as reminders and trigger me into over playing yesterdays darkness over and over on repeat. My mouth tastes like shit becuase I took sleepers last night to calm down and get some rest. I doubled my dose and although its not much more than a single dose the taste is so overpowering, its mentalic in taste and its fucking grime. I need to call my care Co today but I don't have the motivation and Im fed up with how little support she offers and when she does suggest things they are often inappropriate or just not met at all. Im in a place where I feel like interacting with the CMHT will trigger me into a darker place than I already am and I can not go through a crisis like I did yesterday and Insure I can keep myself safe so right now I'm better of ignoring the world and cuddling up with pepe. If I was seen by the professionals yesterday I have no doubt that they would have gotten me on a 136 due to the way I was presenting myself and my ideations and I don't want to go back into hospital or anything like that. I just want normality what ever the fuck that is. #mentalhealthblogger#mentalhealthblog#bpdblogger#blogger#blogs#borderlineblog#borderlinepersonalitydisorder#bpd#complexpersonality#therapy#mentalhealthawareness#mentalhealth#mentalillness#cmht#suicideprevention#suicideawareness#suicidalthoughs#crisis#esa#supportdog#pettherapy#miniaturedachshund
If I knew how to be better I would be, I wouldnt hold it from myself or the ones I love. I'm struggling to keep myself a float. When I think im reaching out it seemingly falls flat and it doesn't come across it that way, I'm so poorly within my own mind and nobody understands how hard it is to keep pushing forward when it seems to be such a lonely route to recovery. All the stress and struggle falls into the only people who are willing to support me through this and try to understand what it is like inside my mind. Im beginning to become so isolated, I haven't seen my best friend in what feels like a life time when I used to go and see her most days, I barely see my family and when I do I can feel the heavy darkness I cast over them all. I am becoming a monster or I already am one and I'm too far gone to even try and come back. I just want to end everyone's suffering by taking away the cause of it, me. #mentalhealthblogger#blogs#blogger#bpdblogger#suicide#suicideprevention#suicidalthoughs#suicideawareness#impulsivebehavior#borderlinepersonalitydisorder#bpd#borderline#eupd#emotionallyunstable#sadness#livingwithbpd#thedarkdays