Growing up in a household where what happens at home stays at home can be incredibly isolating and increases feelings of shame. On the outside it may look like your family are the 'perfect' family and on the inside it may be the exact opposite.•
In dysfunctional families there is generally always a (sometimes unspoken) code of silence where the family collude to keep whatever is going on private. There may be overt threats made about keeping quiet or you may keep quiet out of shame. You may have learnt to sweep whatever you experienced under the carpet (this is often modelled by parents), you may have been threatened if you talked about what was going on or it might have gone entirely unacknowledged so that you thought it was normal and that you were the bad one with bad feelings.•
The problem with this in our adult life is complex and multi-layered. It can impact us in the following ways:
1. We struggle to hold onto our own truth/version of reality/we deny what is going on (even when it damages us/is dangerous/is hurtful)
2. need reassurance from others that our feelings are OK
3. endless people pleasing and perfectionism
4. All of this causes trouble with boundaries, we often don’t have the internal skills to protect ourselves
5. May struggle to take space in the world, to believe we are allowed to do what is necessary to protect ourselves, for us to thrive
When we get awareness of this as adults we can then begin to start honouring our own reality. To believe we are important. To believe our feelings our important. To learn to put down boundaries, knowing that it is not our job to look after others feelings. To act in our own interests. Being in therapy helps with all of this. •
Paying attention to our own feelings and processing them helps us in our journey of being the self-regulating (Daniel Stern’s term) other for our children, so that we can be present for them and their feelings. There are posts on affect regulation further back and will be doing more on this. •
Do you notice yourself doing any of the above? I do. •
Happy Sunday, we have been out enjoying the fabulous sun in London! •
4743119 January, 2020
When we think of childhood trauma, I think that we picture traditional abuse. Childhood trauma is not necessarily comprised of a horrific event, such as an accident, or ongoing physical, sexual or emotional abuse. Many adult individuals who did not experience a catastrophic trauma hold the belief that their childhood was “happy” or even “perfect”. However, childhood trauma has many faces, and the impact of that trauma can carry well into our adult lives unless we are willing to do the work to end the cycle.
Beware of negative self talk. It’s our mind’s way of telling us which messages we have internalized about ourselves, and which messages we are passing down to our children.
The wounded child is a product is social programming: there are ways that children grow to understand how much power and potential they actually have. When love and power are withheld, a child may lack a proper emotional growth.
And so the cycle continues. A child will only grow as much as they are taught to grow. And that emotionally stunted child will only have partial love and power to transition into their children.
I struggle with traumatic nightmares.
Most of my nightmares are about my abuser hurting me or interfering with my life in some way. Sometimes they’re really violent, distressing, or frightening. There’s been many times that I’ve been startled awake, woken up sweating, crying, or hyperventilating, and even knocked things off my dresser because the nightmares have been so awful.
My nightmares have been so bad that they’ve effected my sleep. I have a hard time going to sleep each night because I’m worried about having nightmares. I’m woken up multiple times each night because of them, and then have to calm myself down enough that I can go back to sleep. I’m on a medication that’s supposed to reduce the amount of nightmares that I have, but it doesn’t seem to be helping much. I’m also on a sleep medication that’s been much more helpful - it doesn’t stop the nightmares, but it keeps me from waking up quite so much, and makes it easier to go back to sleep after each nightmare.
This is not an uncommon symptom of PTSD. From what I’ve learned trauma sufferers occasionally experience nightmares related to or about their trauma because it’s one of the ways that the brain processes traumatic memories. Not everyone will experience them, but they are not uncommon.
If you struggle with nightmares too, know that you are not alone. And if you don’t, your PTSD or trauma is no less valid than those who do struggle with nightmares.
1541114 May, 2019
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I don’t know about you, but recovery can be scary. I struggle with the what if’s, the why me? See, I’ve spent so much of my life being told I wasn’t good enough. I wasn’t strong enough. I wasn’t pretty enough. I just wasn’t,,,, enough. I eventually believed all of these things.
When I started to recover, I started questioning those things I believed about myself. Am I really that bad? I think I’m pretty ok. I think I can actually do that. The more I work at my recovery, the more those negative thoughts fade. The more I do start to believe in me.
It is scary and hard to wrap my mind around why me? Why choose me God? What if I fail? But guess what!! God isn’t calling me to be perfect. He’s calling me because He believes in me! He expects me to fail. He didn’t say the tasks were going to be easy. He said he’s going to make me better. He’s going to make me how He wants me so I can do what He’s called me to do.
Recovery is scary, but so is remaining exactly the same. See, if I don’t recover, I stay stuck. I stay in the unbelief. I stay outside of His will. I will continue to face that fear and continue to work my recovery, because I am chosen by a God that loves me more than anything. By a God that believes in me. I am special and I am His. I am worth recovery! So are you. #recoveryisscarybutsoisstayingthesame#recovery#workit#youareworthit#childhoodtraumasurvivor#youarenotyourstruggles#youaremadeformore#youareenough#recoveroutloud#templecelebraterecovery
In the end its all the SOUL and no matter what happens to a body when the soul is bright its light will break through no matter what. And yes I loved to wear my Shmatta and my granny loved when I covered my head . Then I was told I could not cover my head because I looked dumb and send home from school because I liked shmattas and very long skirts. That was it for me. Needless to say I was a very unhappy and sad child. Thank G-d for addiction because I could not have lived beyond the pain I felt since I was little.
Glad to say that European antisemites did NOT win and no matter what my body was put through my Oma and my soul won the battle I am well on my way. All thanks to Yoni and Rebbe Hershoff.
Page 11 of the AA big book states my story so well. “Wars, Chicanery, religious disputes and mans love for each other a mete grim jest snd the devil had me at last until I got sober”
This man here......we got his MRI results. Definitely not what we wanted to hear, but not as bad as it could be. Surgery being authorized.....hopefully will be scheduled for Spring brake..... Meniscus tear inside and outside (either repaired or replaced)
Severe arthritis (hopefully can be shaved)
Partial (might be) tear of the MCL...will fix on its own
"I want to be around people that do things. I don’t want to be around people anymore that judge or talk about what people do. I want to be around people that dream and support and do things." ― Amy Poehler
Happy Valentine’s Day! There’s always ultimate love as you learn how to receive it from source and cultivate it in your life. For information go to bio link and for a 20 minute free consult click here!
High School -
A Tale of Two Lives A more violent and abusive Home and some real escape.
When you reach 14-18 child abuse and beatings become just getting beat up. It just happens to be by your father. Yes -He -was my father. I haven’t stated that just because this is not about him. It’s about the tragic long lasting effect of toxic stress and constant fear of living like I did. Being punched and dragged by my hair at this age were very destructive to my sense of self esteem at an age when I needed to be developing an identity . The emotional abuse became more impactful. I recounted a cold fall night where I was locked outside in the dark with a pitch fork and fertilizer to turn a huge compost pile that I had not done correctly earlier in the day. I was left outside in plain view of the rest of the family having diner and watching Sunday night tv through the sliding door while I was freezing and alone. another memory I wanted to bury
I continued to find relief in drinking when I could get alcohol. I also went to a private school in the city of Portland and Found more time to be away from home. I was involved or sometimes just said I was involved in school activities to stay in the city away from home.
I developed a strong friendship with a group of kids who accepted me and whose families would give me safe places to stay. I realize now how important it was to be accepted and although I always valued having those guys as friends I never realized until recently how much they valued me. I recently spent the day with one of my closest friends in Maine Joe Napolitano and it really impacted me to find out how much of a friend he considered me. Those guys and a few others saved my life.
READ THIS ********THE POWER OF OUR BELIEFS:
So look at my report cards. The kid who was failing all of my basic elementary and jr high academic requirements was getting awards and making A’s. What happened. It’s actually very powerful. My mother told me the only way I would be safe is if she could get me to college. Once my beliefs changed academics became a path to survival and I desperately wanted to survive. #trauma#childhoodtraumasurvivor#recovery#soberlife
have you ever been groped by a stranger? in public transport or anywhere because nowadays sexual crime didn’t see places. sexual predators act everywhere as long as theyre ‘arousal’ of doing. lets be brave to admit if you experienced one also.
in 2017, i was in a malaysian commuter train, going home from dinner. it was 5 pm, and as you can see, people were crowdedly waiting for the train to pass by. a man (i don’t wanna say his ethnicity), suddenly standing behind me. i don’t have a problem with that until he started to push me over. i said “excuse me what the hell are you doing?”, which he didn’t reply.
after 5 mins, he stood behind me again. this time, different than previously, he rubbed my ass with his genital. i was completely shocked. i punched him straight in the face, and people looking at me. they said move away you indonesian. whoa, theyre being racist over a young woman who survived sexual harassment. the man gone once i finished my punch.
another story is when im age 7, i was bicycling alone. no problem with safety, my mom always waited home with an open door. an old man, around his 50s, approached me. yes, he approached this kid with his motorbike and wearing short pants.
he opened that pants, showing his private parts while asking me innocently, “hey kid, tell me, is this young or old enough?” i replied i don’t know. he insisted. i ran faster towards my house and luckily, my dad was talking to a neighbor on the street. “dad, i saw a man. he tried to show his genitals and insisted me to tell whether its young or old enough.” my dad, furious at that sexual predator, went to the nearest police station and let them arrested the man. the man said that it’s not a big thing, its his own way for pleasure because watching porn doesn’t affect him anymore. what a douchebag.
this story that i urge to share with you is real. sexual crime happens everywhere. you must act fearless and stand up for yourself whenever it happens. cover your body and always bring handcarried weapon or pepper spray. if it unfortunately happens, don’t be panic. take a pic of the vehicle's plate or simply go to the nearest police station.
🎵 god knows i tried @lanadelrey
Beneath the surface of the protective parts of trauma survivors there exists an undamaged essence, a Self that is confident, curious, and calm, a Self that has been sheltered from destruction by the various protectors that have emerged in their efforts to ensure survival. Once those protectors trust that it is safe to separate, the Self will spontaneously emerge, and the parts can be enlisted in the healing process
Bessel A. van der Kolk, The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma
RED OR GREEN?
Regardless of what we may look like on the outside, it is important to acknowledge how each part sees themself on the inside, their likes and dislikes and their individuality.
This is Charlie (10) who has asked to help out with this page.
This gentle parenting thing ain't for the weak. I've been bullied, laughed at, questioned, shamed and called names. But I won't stop, because this guy counting on his mama. I won't stop, because this world desperately needs kind humans.
For all of the cycle breakers, I see you, I'm with you, I support you, I'm here for you. We can do this together 💪🏽💪🏼💪🏿💪🏻
Have you been bullied / laughed at / questioned because you chose gentle parenting? Share with me! ❤❤❤
WE ARE REAL
Of cause all of the parts within ‘our D.I.D system’ are real. They are very real, very much so and each one is as important as the other from the adult older parts right down to the babies (and this includes parts with no identity(name) who may only hold feelings or memories etc alone)
Each part is seperate and in their own respect within ‘the system’ each one is their own ‘person’. We can’t confuse that with seperate souls or entities but to remember they all exist from the one original person.
Our D.I.D systems are not ‘made up’, imagined or self invented consciously and without each other inside we would have not survived the horrific history we have been through.
Ours personally, would be devastated to hear they aren’t real (not to mention how very angry they would be at me for saying so - especially our 6 year old). When you think about it, our reality is based on our perception of the world and where we fit into that. We could compare this to say ‘someone who is born in ‘Italy’ for example: they will identify as ‘Italian’ but in reality that is just geography as we are all ‘Earthlings’, but the fact is there are seperate countries with identity and culture to match.
You are part of a D.I.D System and very real just as an Italian born in Italy is very real and very much an ‘Italian’. Sending safe hugs, handshakes and high fives to any who want them 💕
PS: Hubby is Italian that’s why I can pick on him and because I also know how very important his cultural identity is to him. 😇
Last night I was invited to @nacoauk annual David Stafford’s Memorial lecture at the House of Commons.
The speakers included @mrcalumbest who is a patron for NACOA (National Association for Children of Alcoholics) as well as @johnashworth@geraldinejames8791@firstname.lastname@example.org@dreamingofedenbtn@email@example.com who told moving truths about the pain of growing up with an alcoholic parent. .
The speakers shared with the room painful memories from their childhoods. Only in later life have they found the courage to speak out and share what it was like for them growing up. They all spoke of the guilt that they feel talking in public about their Mum’s and Dad’s and the internal conflict that still remains with them. The stories moved me to tears.
What all these people have in common is their determination to stop this suffering happening to other children and they want to try and reach other people who have had similar traumatic childhoods. By opening up and talking, these inspiring people have helped to raise the profile of NACOA and all the amazing work that this small charity does and the many lives that it has made a difference to over the last 30 years.
The message of last night was clear, that we need to keep on talking about the terrible effects of alcoholism, this growing nationwide problem that leaves many children vulnerable, frightened and alone and that the fund raising work that we do for NACOA, is so necessary and important to continue.
I left feeling empowered and even more determined to be resilient and to carry on fund raising. All the profit from the alcohol free events that I organise goes to NACOA. This has encouraged me to carry on with my efforts and to try even harder.
Research tells us that 1 in 4 women and 1 in 6 men in the United States have experienced some type of sexual abuse under the age of 18. Sexual abuse can be defined as any kind of unwanted sexual activity, with perpetrators using force, making threats, or taking advantage of victims not able to give consent. There is an immediate impact on the brain that includes shock, fear, and disbelief and long-term symptoms that include anxiety, fear, and post-traumatic stress disorder. I have spent years working with couples trying to work through issues that result from childhood sexual trauma. Sometimes there is even one partner that has dealt with sexual abuse trauma and working to reconnect in the relationship and create safety and security for themself.
The effects of childhood sexual abuse do not have to last a lifetime. While this type of trauma will cause some debilitating symptoms that can interfere with daily life, the good news is that psychological interventions are effective in dealing with many of the long-term effects.
63113 February, 2020
“Being able to feel safe with other people is probably the single most important aspect of mental health; safe connections are fundamental to meaningful and satisfying lives.”
Bessel A. van der Kolk,
Parental Alienation Clue - three cards in a confidential case file indicate the Narcissist who committed Parental Alienation, the Narcissist weapon and the room where the crime took place. Players take turns moving their characters around the board, suggesting possible scenarios and making accusations when they think they know the ALIENATORS scenario. 🔸6 colored tokens, each representing one of the suspects: Colonel Mustard, Miss Scarlet, Professor Plum, Mr. Green , Mrs. White and Mrs. Peacock .
🔸6 miniature weapons: Hoover, Grooming, Triangulation, Gas Lighting, Flying Monkey, Candlestick ❓Was it Mrs. White with triangulating and gaslighting who enabled Colonel Mustard? ❓Was it Professor Plum & Mrs. Peacock who groomed and used you as a flying monkey? 🧐🤔 Parental Alienation is child abuse equivalent to sexual or physical assault. #samandryefoundation#parentalalienationawareness#narcissisticabuse#childhoodtraumasurvivor#domesticviolenceawareness#clue#whodoneit#professorplum#candlestick
Depression isn't just a term, an excuse, or a prop. It doesn't have a face, come in a certain color, or is gender specific.
Depression is a mental health disorder and can take on a biological, psychological, and/or social aspect. .
I know you may say I don't "look" like depression but I suffer from it every day. Some days I am on high and others (most days) I don't feel like moving, and I don't. .
I'm still Overcoming!! .
Read more about my story in the New Edition of UnBecoming amazon.com/author/sadenichole
781713 February, 2020
A friend of mine once said suffering builds character. Our own traumas make the person we are today. From the chill and naughty child, to a low self esteem, borderline disturbed, low confidence teen, to a much more confident, responsible (mum wouldn't agree xD) adult, the guy you all see before you, it's been a minute. There's not much physical transformation, but my mental health is comparitively better now(still need a shrink tho xD). #throwbackthursday
Don't tell me about your traumas, that's personal, but tell me in the comments how long have you been dealing with a mental health issue. Add a 🖤 so I know you're doing better.
How many times have you heard “Don’t you WANT to forgive and forget? It will make you the bigger person.” or “I don’t know what happened between you two, but you need to forgive them and move on” ? 🌸
Here’s the thing, you don’t have to forgive in order to move on and heal🌸
Forgiveness requires a deep process of grieving and healing that looks and feels different for everyone. Do not feel rushed to forgive someone before you are ready and maybe you will never be ready, and that’s okay too.🌸 At the end of the day, do what’s best for you 🌸
What has been one way you have practiced healing? Leave a comment below!