When we’re stepping into the territory of advocating for ourselves in new, more aligned ways it’s very very helpful to have this reminder on hand.
Here’s the dealio friends, just because you want to be a boundary badass, doesn’t mean it’s going to click immediately or once you decide to change, everything will feel smooth, natural and easy.
Because the honest truth, new habits are usually a bitch....at least at first.
Think about it like this, your entire system is set up to believe that self-abandonment, zero-to little boundaries equals love, and that having needs is bs. While it’s these beliefs that are bs, it doesn’t stop it from feeling true inside. It feels true because it’s been engrained in us our entire lifetime, plus we probably inherited some of these beliefs and behaviours from watching the adults around us do the same shit.
So first off, let’s have a big honking compassion party for yourself.
Because going up against that conditioning is going to feel SUPER unnatural. It’s also going to bring up a fuck ton of resistance.
Why the resistance?
Because the program has equated you staying small and limited as your only access to belonging. And those instinctual pulls to belong are INTENSE to say the least.
So when you’re re-learning self-approval, self-autonomy and self-loyalty, your resistance can come up as a deep fear of abandonment and terror around not belonging.
These are normal and honest responses to reclamation, at least in the initial sticky phases.
So when they happen, keep this reminder on hand: your needs are valid and your boundaries are necessary. PERIOD.
You can’t be a true badass if you’re too busy self-abandoning and people pleasing.
Soul badassery is about staying true to yourself no matter what others think.
It’s being guided by an internal honour code and deep integrity to remain loyal to your heart.
It’s about risking disapproval and rejection in order to stay connected to your inner knowing.
1,2102316 hours ago
I’m going to be the bearer of honest news...when you set boundaries + starting owning your needs, the people around you aren’t obligated to hop on board the choo choo change express with you.
In fact, it’s common when we change the relational dynamic (by you know standing up for ourselves with grace + firm loving kindness) that you could be met with disapproval, disappointment + in some cases serious guilt tripping.
All of these tactics are the adaptive child freaking the fuck out because you changing might mean *gasp* they might have to change too... or at the very least learn to grow up (aka reparent themselves, settle into knowing and being in their functional adult selves + learning to soothe the tyrant toddler within). So in a classic temper tantrum response they give you a disapproving look, a passive aggressive huff and puff, an underhanded comment about “oh you think you’re soooooo special don’t you, well if you only knew what I’ve been through/given up for you/had to endure because of you”, or flat out telling you you’re a shit person for having needs and boundaries.
But here is the good news friends, when you’ve stood up for yourself with loving firmness and get a response like that...it means YOU’RE ACTUALLY CHANGING!!!! WOOP WHOOP 🙌🏼 People only go out of their way to attempt to sabotage you, when they are actually sniffing out real live change.
If things weren’t a changing, they wouldn’t be slinging emotional 💩 your way.
I know it can be challenging to want to defend yourself when someone goes after you when you set a boundary or advocate for your needs.
But I’ll give you a very simple solution. Don’t.
Resist the urge to defend yourself.
Instead, say “thank you for sharing, I hear this upsets you, I understand and my need/boundary is still _____.” WHABAM! Power maintained and reclamation in full effect.
Then give your badass boundaried self a pep talk, reminding yourself that their disapproval or disappointment or dissatisfaction with your needs, is no longer an acceptable reason for self-abandonment. But instead it lights ablaze the fires of your inspired reclamation, and keep on with your powerful self ;)
I had to learn asking for help. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
I was raised as a strong, independent woman and I always had a strong need to prove that I was able to do everything by myself. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
But in my long dating journey, I suddenly realized that I wasn't doing myself any favor with my attitude. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
In fact, strong and masculine men (aka the kind of man I was looking for) love to help a woman! It's a basic masculine need to feel needed, to be able to help the woman he loves. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
By never asking for help, or worse by not accepting his help when he offers it, you're basically taking him the pleasure of being a man. But since this is such an important part of what makes him feel good about himself, chances are high that he will eventually look for a woman he can help. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
In the next days, I'll share some ideas to let him help you in various situations. So stay tuned and see you tomorrow!
3559 minutes ago
What a waste of money
1721 hour ago
*prays some initial stroking gets the ball rolling* 🙏🙏
I am not one to let go of anything or anyone easily.
One of my greatest strengths is my ability to see the good in every situation and every person. The ability to find compassion in the pain they’ve experienced and understand how it’s shaped them into the person that they are. While it’s more often a strength, the downfall is when it keeps me clinging to a situation or person that doesn’t bring me peace. .
No relationship is one-sided, and it’s not about placing blame.
It’s about being aware of who we become in the presence of others. In your presence, I couldn’t hold my boundaries. In your presence, I couldn’t easily speak my mind. In your presence, I was walking on eggshells.
I had to let go because I didn’t like who I became when I was with you. I became the people pleaser; I became the victim. I became old versions of myself that I had worked so hard not to be. It doesn’t mean there wasn’t good parts. If there weren’t good parts, I wouldn’t have been there in the first place. In your presence, I tried new things. In your presence, I was vulnerable. In your presence, I became more comfortable in my skin. I recognize there was healing, growth, and joy, but it wasn’t consistent.
We are human and we are imperfect. No one brings us peace all the time, yet at the end of the day, the good must outweigh the bad. The people in your life should inspire you to be better than you were. You should leave their presence feeling lighter. You should leave their presence feeling at peace. Some relationships are meant to last forever, and some relationships are meant to give us lessons. We don’t learn the lesson if we continue to hang on to anything or anyone that keeps us from evolving.
I let go because I couldn’t hold on anymore. I couldn’t hold on to waiting for the change that never seemed to come. I let go because I needed the space to become the person I want to be. I let go because I needed the room to grow.
𝙸𝚜 𝚒𝚝 𝚝𝚘𝚘 𝚜𝚘𝚘𝚗 𝚏𝚘𝚛 𝚊 𝙱𝚊𝚎𝚌𝚊𝚝𝚒𝚘𝚗 ☀️👙? Imagine that you’ve been dating a pretty amazing guy for a few months and everything seems to be on track. He has now invited you to spend a few days away with him.
Spending a whirlwind weekend away with someone cuts through the formalities of dating. You deal with everything from flight delays and traffic jams to getting ready in front of each other. Vacation together means privacy is limited.
Would you be prepared?
Would you wear your head scarf?
Are there health issues you need to tell him about?
How long would you date someone before planning a baecation with them?