Been taking this blue pill daily for about 13 years now. When I first was diagnosed with anxiety and depression following the birth of my first child, I prayed hard for a miracle that God would take it away. He didn’t but he provided a way out for me. This medication is a gift to me from God. It brought me back to myself. Sometimes our miracles come in a different way than we would like. If you are in the think of it, keep going. #antidepressants#depressionhelp#postpartumdepression#iam1in5#momlife#postpartumanxiety
3036726 April, 2019
This is incredibly scary for me to post, but I believe that sharing my story will help my healing process and bring hope to other incredible women who may find themselves in the same situation.
After years of struggling with anxiety & panic attacks and for the past 3 months with postpartum depression, I finally understand that if I don't dive deeply into taking care of myself, I will continue down the road with more frustration, sadness, and darkness. In this video you can see a glimpse into my journey so far, from feeling invisible to feeling seen. I cannot be the best mother I can possibly be if I keep disregarding my feelings and gaslighting myself. In the past month, I stepped into a gym for the first time in my life, I have found joy in dancing Zumba and running. I am taking medication. I stopped biting my nails and am getting them done every Friday. I am going out with my best friend. The resounding gong of guilt says that I am neglecting my kids by spending an hour on myself everyday, so I beg Jesus for the courage to get out of the door. I run for an hour and come back with a clear mind and throw a dance party for my babies. I am committed to overcoming anxiety and postpartum depression. I’m doing this for my girls. I am doing this for my marriage. I am doing this for me, because I matter. Some days are unbelievably hard and feel like setbacks, but then the next morning I forgive myself and try again. And again. And again. If you are going through something similar do not feel alone, feel encouraged and uplifted. You can do this too, all you have to do is find the courage to start, I promise. I’m glad to be back on Instagram and be closer to the real me again 💛 “I can do all things though Christ who strengthens me.” Philippians 4:13 .
Special thanks for loving on me and checking in on me to @emilybaldoni@lynzyandco@mrsjessicaroberts@mamadrey88 and to my loving husband who supports me every single day @timvmusik 💛
13,3499537 January, 2019
These are two different women; but they are both me. In the photo on the left Andrew is just a few days old and I am a nursing mom who is exhausted, healing, unsure, terrified, and struggling to care for myself and my new baby. In the photo on the right Andrew is four months old and I am a bottle feeding mom who is still exhausted, healing, unsure, terrified, and struggling to care for myself and my baby. We struggled with his dairy and soy allergies, sleepless nights, colic, and my own internal battle. What you don’t see in either photo is the internal turmoil of a mother with profound postpartum depression and anxiety. Becoming Andrew’s mom was the most difficult thing I have ever done but today I am so proud to be his mom, and he is the best thing I have ever done. But, the journey I took to get to where I am now was not an easy one and it is just as difficult, and often more difficult, for so many other mothers out there. I am lucky that I had the love and support of friends and family who recognized something was wrong and supported me as I got the help I needed, and stepped in to care for Andrew when I could not. This week is Maternal Mental Health Awareness week and I ask you to ask the moms you know how they are doing and how they are feeling; give them a safe place to talk openly. Motherhood is beautiful and fulfilling but it can also feel lonely, difficult, exhausting, and scary; but it doesn’t have to. Remind the mamas you know that they are not alone and you are there for them ❤️ I am here for you. #mmhweek2019#maternalmentalhealth#makingovermotherhood#iam1in5#postpartumsupport
1782329 April, 2019
One day old. Feeling happy, relieved, thankful, blessed, and exhausted. Fast forward to day 2 or 3 of postpartum and anxiety becomes my reality. Anxiety is what we don’t talk about during the blissful and short-lived newborn phase. I am 1 of 5.
15 to 20% of women suffer from postpartum anxiety and/or postpartum depression, and unfortunately I am one of those women that make up that statistic.
After I had Sawyer, I took a trip back to the hospital to get treated for my “baby blues,” or PPA. I wasn’t eating, wasn’t drinking, laid in bed all day, and had zero desire to do anything. I was physically and mentally sick. After learning more about PPD & PPA, I was able to cope better knowing that I wasn’t alone. Most of my PPA was caused by unsuccessfully breastfeeding Sawyer and the both of us hating it. The moment I realized that a simple box of formula could help improve my postpartum mental health, I switched. Now Khloe is solely formula fed, and it has helped me tremendously this time around. I am so thankful for the option we as mothers have to formula feed our babies.
Both of my babies had very scary, nerve-wracking deliveries which also triggered my anxiety. Sawyer was born with meconium in his lungs, and Khloe was born not breathing with the cord wrapped around her neck. Both babies lifeless, colorless, and whisked away from me before they could take their first breath. Anxiety is constantly in my head asking “what if,” and it’s a vicious tornado of thoughts that drown my head periodically.
Anxiety and depression are real. They are an endless cycle of worrisome thoughts and behaviors that don’t just go away on their own. I have been treated for anxiety for almost 6 years now, and it has changed my life. However, depression and anxiety can come to even the strongest of mamas postpartum. I wish I could go back in time after having Sawyer and tell my postpartum, anxious self that it’s ok. That this is actually NORMAL! It’s ok to take care of yourself. It’s ok to ask for help. It’s ok to let your mom watch your kids so you can take a nap. It’s ok to be on medication. It’s ok. You’re not alone, mama. You are not weak. We are fighting this together.💛
2614411 May, 2019
| Wellness Wednesday | I’ve written and rewritten this post about a hundred times in the past few months. And I’ll still practically throw up when I click share. But it’s important. It’s Maternal Mental Health Week and if I’ve learned anything, it’s that none of us should feel alone.
Sloane is two weeks old here. Neither of us has gotten any sleep, or a decent bath, in days. We both mostly cry, sometimes for hours. We struggle a lot with this new normal and think it was much easier (and cozier) a few weeks prior. My house is a disaster, which always triggers my anxiety, now more than ever. All the people coming to visit are seeing the mess. And bringing their germs. Don’t get me started on the germs because I’m constantly convinced she’ll get sick. Sleep when the baby sleeps only works if the baby sleeps, which she doesn’t. And even then, it only works if I don’t spend the entire time worrying. About her breathing. And her body temperature. And whether a piece of my hair has somehow gotten wrapped around her little toe which will definitely need to be amputated like the baby I read about in that article I found at 3AM. Speaking of the middle of the night, nursing is so hard. Made harder by comments from people who really don’t know better, my peacefully snoring husband and the fact that I haven’t had time for a real meal in weeks. Peanut butter is not a food group. In one of those wee hours nursing sessions, I find myself googling “do I have postpartum depression” and no, I don’t. But something isn’t right and I can feel it.
Postpartum Depression has become a blanket term to describe alllll the things a new mom can experience. But where does the rest fit in? There’s no depression for me. But there’s rage. Exhaustion. Irrational fear. Rapid weight loss. An inability to sleep. Hot flashes. Overwhelming and constant worry. Lack of appetite. And guilt.
It’s been seven months now and my Postpartum Anxiety is under control. It rears its ugly head occasionally but mostly I feel confident, relaxed and the happiest I’ve ever been. I’ve realized that Sloane doesn’t need a perfect mom, she just needs a happy one. And that realization has made all the difference.
Joining the #this_is_postpartum movement
This is postpartum for me:
•Learning to love the body that grew 4 tiny humans.
• Reminding myself that I did give birth to 4 babies even though the world only sees 3.
•Fighting a heart of grief but so thankful for my rainbow baby. •2 vaginal births and 2 c-sections. •Suffering from postpartum depression like never before and raising kids alone half the year while my hubby works to provide for us.
•Accepting that my body will NEVER be the same again. •Embracing my stretch marks and scars. •Feeling selfish for wanting my body back, but I chose to breastfeeding and just deal with the hormones that come with that. •Being jealous of the Mom who looks like she’s has it all together when I feel like I’m about to fall apart. •Smiling through the hardest days so no one sees my struggle. •Working to try to get my body back to as normal as it can be.
Postpartum is freaking HARD. Thankfully this is only a season and I will enjoy it while it’s here. I am living each day and being thankful for my babies that I have been blessed with.
Mama you are not alone on this journey called motherhood, so find your tribe “even if it’s on insta” and love them hard!! I’m so inspired by so many women on here like @th3littlestavenger@emmy__liz@babyboybakery@lifewithsarahjade@saraengland1 Just to name a few. 💓💓 #iam1in5#iam1in4
#dear1in5 , this too shall pass. The laughter will return, you’ll feel like yourself again, the tears will stop, and you will become stronger than ever.
. #iam1in5 people who battle a mental health disorder every day. This has been my daily mantra since Jax was born. I have Postpartum PTSD which is a PPMD (postpartum mood disorder). Over the past year I’ve had weekly counseling sessions, completed EMDR therapy, and loads of other therapy methods to fight the daily cries and flashbacks of our birth. No one prepared me for it, or the lingering anxiety that still haunts me. The sweaty palms when I drive past the hospital, the panic I feel during any medical procedure from surgery to a dental cleaning, or the awful feeling of wanting another child but being too scared of another birth. Mental health is so SO real and so SO terrifying.
Six years ago I medically withdrew from college because my depression had lead me to hit rock bottom. I got this tattoo a year later. I knew then that this beast would follow me around for my whole life, and it has. But I’ve learned to tame it. 🖤
I am a good mother for getting help. I am a good wife for getting help. I owed it to myself to get help. And you owe it to yourself to get help if you need it. You’ll be thanking yourself in a year. 🖤
1953511 October, 2018
Latest Instagram Posts
What are your favorite things about mornings?! will you share below? They may strike with someone else! ☕️ + ☀️ + 👧🏻👱🏼♀️👱🏻♂️= JOY!
Every morning I look forward to seeing my babies’ faces when they wake up, having my pb chocolate smoothie, & drinking coffee. Sunshine in the summer and having @cwbank home are a mega bonus!! Practicing gratitude for all things big and small has totally increased joy in my life! I‘ve recently started adding a new element. Instead of just thinking of 3 things I’m grateful for, I also think of the reasons *why* I’m grateful for those things. I listened to a speaker at our convention and he gave us that tip. It really does set the tone for a beautiful day, you guys! Give it a whirl!
Anyone want to join me in a local (totally informal) #Iam1in5 photo shoot this weekend? I’ll be at MAPS Base Camp (402 E. Washington) 2pm this Saturday.
I’ll have a letter board as well as supplies to make your own paper sign. Families are welcome.
If someone had told me 2yrs ago (or even 3yrs ago) that my life would take a 180 and kick my ass with the darkest depression and most debilitating anxiety I had even felt I would have said: "Fuck off!" And then laugh in their face. (There were a few people in the midst of my pregnancy that I thought were "projecting") And I entered pregnancy, and motherhood with the darkest rose coloured glasses, so dark, I thought I was Superwoman.
I thought I could do it all.
Around April of last year; I cracked. I fractured so beautifully I had to admit that I had no idea who I was. I had dealt with depression; my ex and I had spent years hell bent on being together, despite knowing it was wrong. We we're willing to hurt ourselves and each other to save face; thankfully we sobered up long enough to say: "WTF, who are we kidding, you get lost and I'll take a hike" (truth be told, we got out alive, we are lucky) - my anxiety had reached a crippling height when we finally split; it was debilitating.
But no where NEAR as debilitating as my Post-Partum Anxiety; I had reached a new height, I could cry for days and not know why. I broke dishes and had no idea why I didn't care. I would put my screaming daughter in her crib and scream into my pillow and feel guilt so thick you could slice it up and have leftovers the next day. My Daughter needed a Momma who could take care of her and not have a tantrum; that was NOT me. I felt like an uncouth heathen. I felt like the life I so despretely wanted had become a cruel, cruel joke.
Today my daughter is nearing 2. Today I have been medicated for 16mths. Today I came home from work and was able to say; I need 20mins to do my homework for my CBT class tomorrow. Today I will take 20mins after my daughter finally falls asleep to do some tatting.
I no longer "party hard" - unless by "party hard" you mean taking some "me time each day"
One of the first things to go when I'm in a mental health slump is my personal hygiene. It's kind of how I recognize that something is wrong. As gross as it is when you get to this place it just take too many spoons to shower. Then all of a sudden it's been a week and you cant remember if you showered or not. Which usually means you didn't.
But luckily today I had a spoon left over. #MentalHealth#iam1in5
14316 July, 2019
He can move mountains, friends. Lean on the One who knows you better than anyone else. You have a purpose. Your story matters and you are STRONGER 🙌🏻🙌🏼🙌🏾🙌🏿
Life is fragile and fleeting, friends. I want you to think about where you are today for a second. What’s after this life for you? Woah. I know. Big question for tonight, but it’s an important one.
When you trust in Jesus and accept Him into your heart and life, Heaven becomes your permanent home. And you forever have a friend in the One who made you and loves you more than you will ever know. This world we live in is so temporary. All it’s pain, unfairness and suffering. All the ugly stuff we go through.. it all fades away and never returns to us when we make our journey HOME to heaven for eternity! What a blessing and deep JOY this is!
Death is something I’ve had to think on since I was 11. Cancer has attacked my family for years and it’s taken a few of our members. My sweet grandmother that I will say goodbye to in the morning is one of them. Death is HARD. But...
“When peace like a river, attendeth my way, When sorrows like sea billows roll
Whatever my lot, thou hast taught me to say
It is well, it is well, with my soul…”
Thank you all for the kind wishes for our anniversary yesterday 👰🏼🤵🏼 It was just like any ol’ normal day, except Brian made it extra sweet with the fragrant floral bouquet on kitchen table 💐 A few people asked if we were doing anything special - our Alaska/Washington Trip was kind of an early anniversary thing for us. We celebrated our anniversary by going to marriage counseling. We went for about a year once before when we lived in Washington. It was a good experience, but ended about a year before we moved back to Texas. Truth be told - we’ve needed it still...and we finally put our money & time where our mouth is and started back a few months ago. Easy? Nope. Fun? Nope. But nothing good comes without hard work. So for our 9th anniversary while kids were at camp, we went to marriage counseling. We fought. We cried. We hugged. We found hope. Each time we go, we find a little more hope. And then we celebrated by fillin’ up to our southern hearts’ content at @pauladeensfamilykitchen 🍗 Marriage for us has not been a storybook fairy tale, and I wouldn’t want it that way because without having to work for it, I don’t think I would take much pride in it [I’m a “work for what ya got” kind of gal], but it is a story worth telling! At the restaurant, there was a shirt that said “You’re the butter to my biscuit,” and I would not have said this just a few months ago, but I mean it... @director_brian, you’re the butter to my biscuit 😉😘🥰 #marriage#fairytale#mentalhealth#husband#wife#marriagecounseling#iam1in5@southernsudsandsimpleliving#southernsudssaves#beating50percent#practicelove#thegiftsofimperfection
No 👏🏻 it’s 👏🏽 not 👏🏿
No matter how bad it feels. No matter your current circumstance, there is light and love at the end of this difficult season. Maybe you’re in the pit of it right now. Or maybe you’re coming out of a hard season and you are thinking, “What the heck did I just go through?”
No matter where you are, it’s not the end of your story. As long as you are here, you have a purpose and a reason for living 🥳
After you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called YOU to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself RESTORE, confirm, STRENGTHEN, and ESTABLISH you.
Stigma is defined as a mark of disgrace associated with a particular circumstance, quality, or person.
1 in 5 adults in the US have an experience with mental health illnesses and yet there is still a stigma surrounding it.
It's time to break the silence and end the stigma.
It's okay to not be okay.
It's incredible vulnerability to admit you are not okay.
And it's tremendous courage to ask for help.
It's never to late to ask for help.
Always remember that YOU MATTER. #iam1in5#mentalhealthawareness#mentalhealthwarrior#endthestigma#advocate#ownyourstigma
I am so lucky to live in the best country in the world. Yes, it’s got its issues. Who doesn’t? The stigma surrounding mental illness is decreasing by the day in America and all over the world! It’s amazing!!!!!! In the past when I would feel anxious and was unable to do something (hang with friends, go out to eat, etc.) my excuses would be “I have a headache, I’m not feeling well, I’m exhausted” which is okay to say. Sometimes it’s easier than explaining your mental illness but recently I’ve noticed myself saying “I’m feeling super anxious today, my anxiety has completely exhausted me, or I’m feeling really depressed and not really feeling like getting off the couch” and it’s felt great because it’s not an “excuse” it’s a reason to not do something. I’ve also found myself fighting through those feelings and doing activities I’ve not done in the past and feeling great about that too! It’s all about how we approach a situation. There is no shame in having a mental illness. More people struggle and understand it than we know. I am so thankful to live in a time where it’s becoming more common to talk about.
1 in 5 Americans have a mental illness. I am 1 in 5. Let’s talk about mental health today!!!!!!! Happy 4th of July and thank you to those that have served or are serving for this wonderful country! #mentalillness#mentalhealth#mentalhealthawareness#anxiety#depression#4thofjuly#pitbull#pitbullsofinstagram#family#america#endthestigma#1in5#iam1in5#mentalillnessstigma
Candlelight meeting was much needed... I wasn't feeling "off the beam", not having drinking thoughts, not feeling anything dangerous! I needed this meeting b/c today I am beyond grateful for my sobriety!!! I have been able to do things I didn't think were possible and definitely wouldn't have if I were still living in addiction!
She hates me, you know? There’s a girl out there that hates me, spews nasty things out of her sweet mouth about me to all of her friends, and she actively campaigns to turn new friends against me.
The thing about this girl that hates me so much?
I don’t ever think about her.
Tonight, Craig and Tuck were wrestling on the couch, and in between giant Thor punches, Craig and I were talking about agents and book deals and wild, crazy dreams. We were talking about what if’s and game plans and next steps and he chewed his lip like he does when he thinks hard on something.
He is in my corner harder than I am. He chews his lip and he fights for my dream even when I don’t think I have it in me.
I say, “What if they hate it?” And he dodges another thrown punch from my favorite Captain America and he tells me they don’t matter.
This girl hates me so much that others have started to see it, too.
They whisper to me, “Becky. Do you see this?” And I whisper back, “No.”
I called my mom today and told her I was ready to step into the public speaking arena and I was ready to tell my story.
I called my mom today and I told her I had a vision and a plan and a dream and maybe people would think I was crazy. “Do you think I’m crazy?” I asked my mom. “Never,” she answered.
There’s a girl that’s out there that hates me more than she hates anything else in this wild, holy, beautiful world, and I don’t see her because I’m too damn busy trying to own my own lane.
We’ve all got a group of people that will never clap for us. We’ve all got a group of people that will never help us. We’ve all got a group of people waiting to yank out their cameras to document the exact moment that we fail.
Keep your head down.
Keep your eyes focused forward.
The sweeties that are too busy figuring out how to not clap for you?
✨In a couple of days we will be celebrating Natalie’s 6th birthday. It’s the best day of her little life. 🎂
-For me, it’s a celebration of her beautiful life ❤️ and a reminder of how far I have come.
-I remember celebrating her first birthday and I was running in and out of the bathroom having a panic attack. I wasn’t present bc I was to busy struggling with controlling my panic attacks. I had only been taking antidepressants and going to therapy for 3 months for PPD/PPA so I didn’t have all the tools I have now to help support me. Only my husband and close family knew what I was going through. I kept it a secret bc I was embarrassed.
-I used to feel guilty for what I missed while I was recovering. Really, really freaking guilty. But you know what? She doesn’t remember. She has no idea it took me 2 years to recover. And I have all the fake photos of me smiling to prove it.
-One day I’ll tell her. I’ll tell her bc I want her to know how strong her Mother is. That it is brave to ask for help when you need it. I’ll tell her bc I never, ever want her to go through what I did. #mmhawareness#ppdawareness#speakthesecret#iam1in5
57923 June, 2019
One thing I've learned since I started my recovery journey is some people that were in my life before do not belong in my life now. It wasn't over an argument or they wronged me, we simply had different views and journeys. Care and love them from afar.
It's that time of year! I'm in training for my first full #wineglassmarathon to cap out the 2019 Wineglass Race Series and I'm running for all of the mental health warriors!
My fundraising goal is $500 this year for @stilliruncommunity , an AMAZING non-profit created to help support those living with mental illness, raise awareness for mental health, and stop the stigma - all done through the running community!
I'd love your support and if you joined me on my training journey by making a donation. Click the link below to check it out!
1 in 5 women will experience rape in their lifetime. To some that’s just a statistic but to the 1 it is so much more. I am 1 in 5, and I am learning to rebuild and to heal myself from the trauma that was inflicted upon me so heinously. This poem by Rupi Kaur speaks so deeply to my sexual assault trauma and PTSD. For a long time I thought I was fine, that my assault was in the past and I had moved on. Then I was diagnosed with PTSD stemming from the sexual trauma I experienced. I have a loving, supportive husband who would never hurt me, and most of the time I am able to feel safe and well in our intimate life. But their are times when a touch or emotion triggers my PTSD and I will have a fight or flight reaction so strong it scares me, intense anxiety, fear, and panic kick in so suddenly. Seeing the look in my husbands eyes when he sees me afraid and vulnerable from a simple touch breaks me. It is not his touch I fear, it is the trauma held in my body that responds at moments when I don’t expect it. I am currently moving through my healing journey and picking up the shattered pieces I was left with, I may have cracks from the broken pieces but I will be WHOLE again. If you are 1 of the 1 in 5 know you are not alone, not just a statistic, that trauma is held in the mind and body and you can heal from it. Let’s support each other by removing the stigma around open discussion of sexual abuse/assault trauma and PTSD. #sexualtrauma#traumahealing#ptsd#ptsdawareness#ptsd#1in5women#iam1in5#milkandhoney#rupikaurpoetry#rapesurvivor#warriorgodess#traumahealing#womensupportingwomen#witch#pagan#divinefeminine#goddessenergy
20221 June, 2019
26 Months. •• 26 Months we have lived without our son. It’s been the longest, yet fastest 26 months of our life.
The loss of a baby effects each Mother & Father differently. Although we all have the same hurt, we all grieve very differently, and we all make different choices from birth plans(that’s hard to go through all the pain with no prize) to death plans (even harder). Some parents choose to have a traditional burial and others choose cremation and carry their baby with them.
No choice is easy.
For Corbin and I we wanted a place to go anytime, a place to go when we hurt, a place to take our children as they grow, a place to celebrate, and a place to just feel close to him. My heart longs to be with Satcher. As we visited his grave he sent us 2 butterflies and for a moment I felt him. Every day we miss our son. Life is absolutely not fair, but unfortunately this is part of our story. We have prayed and dreamed of Satchers headstone for so long. We wanted it to be the most perfect thing and it absolutely is!!! They were able to take Corbin’s handwriting and engrave ( forever in our hearts) in the headstone along with 4 butterflies(one for each baby). 🦋🦋🦋🦋
For the Mom & Dad grieving today we see you, we feel you, and we pray for you. My biggest advice would be to PRAY for healing, and grieve together. Its not always easy, but it is better than trying to do it alone, I promise.❤️
49120 June, 2019
I’m just now sitting to drink my coffee as all three kids fight their daily afternoon nap + writing this post that I wanted to have done already but I really wanted to share my thoughts and a snippet of my postpartum journey. My postpartum has come with hair loss, depression, weight struggles, anxiety attacks, questioning my sanity, sleepless nights, and tears so many tears. It has also come with happiness like you wouldn’t believe. In postpartum I have found my strongest self. I have strength in being a mother because they’ve shown me what strength is. I have found strength in others, I have found people who understand me and uplift me when I’m in the darkness or just need to laugh about the crazy ass situation I’m in with my kids. I have struggled hard for the past couple years but I have also fought like hell to stay strong. Along this motherhood journey and postpartum time, I found comfort in the women who keep it honest and uplift others because that’s what I needed to hear and see. I’m so beyond thankful for the women who speak up and say it’s not all sunshine and rainbows. It gets hard to not compare especially in this day in age but recently I decided to stop. I found a new strength in myself, to accept who I am. I am able to look at my body with pride because it grew and gave life to the most beautiful little humans and my greatest blessings. I still look at myself and long for that pre baby body but I don’t feel disgusted with the cellulite, stretch marks, and squishy-ness because the people who matter to me don’t mind it so why should I? I also found peace in the fact that we’re still finding our niche + groove but we’re getting there and it doesn’t matter that others lives look more put together because the grass is always greener & I’m perfectly happy with our patchy grass. I plan on sharing more another day when I can sit down and write it but Thank you so much, @th3littlestavenger
for inviting me to be apart of this beautiful movement and letting me connect with other women some who have a similar story to mine. I hope this encourages other women to keep lifting each other up and not tearing each other down. 💪🏼✨
112119 hours ago
Who you are and your purpose is not summed up by circumstance. This is not your forever and there is HOPE.
59213 hours ago
You can’t always control your thoughts and feelings. But you can control how you react to them!! Hear me out!! We are all well aware of the spiral of thoughts and negative emotions that mental health battles put us through. Some days, there isn’t any amount of mental fighting, prayer or positive thinking that with make those initial thoughts and feelings we feel when battling anxiety, depression, bipolar disorder, etc. go away.
But you have the power to choose how you react, friend. If you woke up today feeling like you are in a fog. Like your fear is just overwhelming. Like the irrational thoughts in your head are just too much.... try affirming: “Jesus, let your thoughts be my thoughts. I can choose my actions. These feelings are not my truth and they are not my purpose or my forever”
I know many of you do not know Jesus. And I know you might not know what His thoughts are about you. So here are a few:
1. You are chosen
2. You are dearly loved
3. You have the mind of Christ
4. You are worthy
5. You have a big, Devine purpose
I recommend replacing ‘you are/you have’ with ‘I am/I have’ and repeating this over and over again. Some days are hard. Some days are earth shatteringly hard. But you have the power to react to your circumstance in a positive way. It might not change things for you immediately. But practice patience and diligence, friend. We love you. We are here for you.
Happy Father’s Day to my partner and second half.⠀
My patience when I have none.⠀
My shoulder to cry on.⠀
The man who cared for me when I was broken.⠀
The man who loves me through my mental health struggles.⠀
The man who fathers our magnificent boys with his heart and soul.⠀
I’ve known him for over half my life.⠀
To the man who dubbed me “Sugs” (short for sugar 😎)⠀
I love you.⠀
Lately, I have felt a lot of peace where I am at. But sometimes I get knocked on my ass and feel overwhelming emotions of sadness and loneliness. .
Usually when plans fall apart and I JUST NEED TO GET OUT. And I am reminded being single at 36 is quite the loneliness place to be. .
Standing on the outside of the couples and families. Of living a very different life than most of my friends. Of being on opposite schedules of my single mom friends. .
I don't write this to make them feel bad. My friends are legit amazing. But this is reality. I am single with kid free weekends. They are married with kid full weekends. Our lives are busy with trips, sports, extended family events. .
Making plans and them falling through happens. .
But sometimes, it hits harder. .
It may be because I am missing my boys more than normal. It may be because it is father's day weekend and celebrating is in full force. It may be because summer is full of fun and there are times I am not part of it. .
I don't even know why I am sharing this. I feel pathetic and pitiful. And when I have been feeling so damn good and bam, I feel as though I am back to 3 years ago. It is harder to swallow the emotions that haven't been felt for so long. .
But this is my reality. And I can't share the good without letting you see the bad too. It all goes together. .
3718215 June, 2019
My zippers came in the mail.⠀
My escitalopram is leveling out.⠀
The heaviness is lifting.⠀
The crankiness is fading.⠀
I’ve caught up a bit on sleep.⠀
I’ve eaten two meals, with a third lined up.⠀
I drank 60 ounces of water today.⠀
The headache has resolved.⠀
For all of this I celebrate. Because some days it’s about one foot in front of the other, taking the mountain one step at a time.⠀
My GP told me I only need to be on my antidepressants for six months because I quickly recognized my depression and anxiety symptoms, and acted straight away seeking help.
It has been three months now, and I realized the other day an unshakable truth about myself.
I shared my truth with my therapist today I need to be on my antidepressants for a little bit longer.
I am not ready to go off them.
I fear if I do go off the antidepressants, I will lose myself again and that scares me.
I feel more in control when I'm taking them.
In fact, I enjoy taking my pill every morning because the intrusive thoughts are not creeping back in.
Instead of being trapped in the darkness, I am able to soak myself in the light, and be present with myself and my family.
I am 1 in 5, but I am more than a statistic.
The pill does not define who I am, but it is definitely helping me to become healthier and happier again.
Ultimately I am just a human being that just knows her worth, embracing her self care, even if it means taking that little pill every day.
There is no shame in that.
1465913 June, 2019
I have said that I lost a lot in divorce. Some negative. Some and most positive.
One of those things being the comparison game. You know the one. Comparing yourself to everyone else. Their house. Their marriage. Their children. Their bodies. Their money. On and on it goes.
Speaking to several other friends who have gone through life altering events, they too noticed that they lost the comparison competition.
I have many thoughts on why this happens, but that is for another day.
Although I find myself comparing less and less, it still sneaks in from time to time.
Yesterday's post and how our San Diego trip was a pretty big deal for me. Yet. I compared or made it less than or not important because others who do so much more than me.
My adventurous friend, who climbed Mt. Kilimanjaro. Alone. Who went on an African safari. Alone. Not to mention moving to San Diego because that is where her heart was calling her. Alone.
She is brave.
My friend, who is raising four boys. Alone. Not every other weekend or 70/30. She is making men. Alone. Not to mention putting herself out there, growing, healing. Taking a chance.
She is brave.
My friend, who faced cancer in her 30s. She conquered that bitch with a smile and optimistic heart. She underwent surgery after surgery, chemo after chemo, radiation after radiation, followed by a year of a drug that wretched her body. All the while, sharing, talking, supporting others, being a beacon of hope in the dark.
She is brave.
My friends, who have held their sick babies. Then to later bury them. Allowing their hearts to go to Heaven. Free of pain and suffering while they stay behind. To trust and welcome another baby into their arms. Grief and happiness mixing in their hearts.
They are brave.
To those who reach out and ask for help. Advice. Support. Who are extending their hand. While fear is pulling it away.
You are brave.
To those at rock bottom. Heart crushed. Soul bleeding. Darkness overwhelming. Yet choose to keep going. Working towards healing, happiness, and love.
You are brave.
I am brave too.
Because I am scared. And I do it anyway.
Taking time to give my feet a little love after my run. For the shit they get put through, I don't take care of them as I should. Epsom salt and tea tree oil soak today.
Marathon training run #2 in the books.