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Dear Mama, .
I got El to get my journal from the house so here I am, writing to you..alive sadly. I was supposed to die Mum..I was supposed to be with you again but instead I’m sitting in a hospital bed hooked up to fucking machines. Last night I went to the bathroom and sharpened a piece of soap of all things and cut open my stitches. Wanted to see if second time was a charm, spoiler alert- it wasn’t. El found me mid way and then a hoard of doctors tied me to the bed until “I was no longer a threat to myself”. When I woke up and found myself still breathing I immediately asked one of the doctors to kill me but the fucker didn’t so there’s that. I don’t want to be here, there’s is NOTHING here for me anymore Mum. Everything and everyone I’ve loved has been hurt because of ME, I’m the common denominator so I need to be taken out of the entire equation. Apparently El and the doctors disagree. Damon visits sometimes but most of the time he’s off doing he’ll knows what, El tried to be here everyday but she has a life of her own. So when I’m alone I mostly cry...a lot. Sometimes I sing. Recently they put my in psychical therapy for my hands and shoulders, I can’t move them all that great. It hurts writing this but it’s fine. Lux came to visit me a couple times since I woke up, she’s out for blood haha. She’s so pissed off even when I told her to forget it. Iris and Bex haven’t visited but they’ve called, same wit aunt Lex and uncle Ty. Honestly? I’m terrified, I’m scared to live how fucked up is that heh. El pressured me to tell her what happened with the idiot, so I told her against my own free will practically. I don’t want to say his name, I don’t want to think about him. So I don’t. At this point I just want someone to hold me and tell me it’s gonna be okay and El does that but it’s different than what I’m really earning for. So that’s it. I’m fucked. The end. I’ll talk to you later Mum. .