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• @chefjane • @kristina_nicolina • .
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I wouldn't say I hate myself. But I hate the way I am. I hate that it's all passed down. The angry outbursts. The always feeling the need to keep my face straight and act like everyone around is an enemy. I've had so many reasons I no longer have any. The hurt. I've seen. I've heard. I've replayed. Their pain. I've felt. I've dealt. I still feel. I've watched messed up things happen before my eyes. And instead of being scared. I've asked myself. How do I react? What do I do? How do I help? While I stand with an eye open and shaking to death. It's so much. Too much. I've questioned myself for too long. What is my purpose? What am I living for? Idk but it feels like I know 80% of what being hurt is and 5% happiness. The other 15% honestly idk I haven't been aware lately. If you know. You know.
Tomorrow isn't a given but today is ours
and every second we are filled with
regret about our past or
worry about our future,
we risk missing the opportunities of today... Let's work on our dreams today
so this day doesn't become another regret for us by tomorrow...
Follow me @HinaAzilleOfficial as I navigate through life & follow my dreams ☺️
'... the world is 3 days: As for yesterday, it has vanished along with all that was in it. As for tomorrow, you may never see it. As for today, it is yours, so work on it...'
3112 hours ago
i’ve changed a lot in the last year, this is about that
They say love makes a fool out of you, and you had grown up watching it happen to people around you. .
You watched your best friend drink himself into a stupor each day till his corroded throat hurt to say anything but a lost love's name, and while you tried to get him off the floor you wondered if losing any person was worth losing yourself for. .
You grew up watching your father's absence from the household and your mother stay awake with her eyes glued to the wall clock, wondering if he had yet again forgotten he was a married man. .
You had watched her deteriorate quietly, never saying a word, never asking him about his mistresses -making herself scarce for a man who thought nothing of her in the first place. You watched all of this in pain and wondered why she never walked away. What made her so unbelievably foolish enough to stay? .
You watched it happen day after day, watched people fall and fail in love, watched it all and developed a vehement distaste for the word, and thought you would never be as stupid enough as to allow someone to destroy you like that.
Before you met her.
And then all logic had left you, and you let yourself fall into it. You let it change you: your habits, dreams, wants, your outlook, needs, everything. You let it kill your old self, and not just that -you didn't just let love have the gun and ammunition, you loaded it with your own hands and closed your eyes, unafraid. God, I must say it was more stupid than brave.
You thought it wouldn't pull the trigger didn't you? This one is on you. Give something the power to hurt you, and it will always hurt you.
Look at yourself now, with the prime of your youth so utterly wasted - years that could have made you into the man you were supposed to be so spent chasing a dream that was never yours to have, let alone keep.
Oh, how love made a fool of you, didn't it? .
How do you look back at it all now?
How do you face your past self, knowing the wreck he'll become in the years to come?
let’s see if I can give you an example here of what it is two cents in the sea thought looking now up at the off-white drapes crumpled and connected buy black been screwed into the window cell and glass window surrounded by gray metal frame where just be on the glass is a branch of leaves that are about 6 inches wide and five or 6 inches tall blowing on their branch and occasionally pressing up against the glass window see that was site that I was sensing now if I switch to hearing I hear my own voice and close my eyes to make this easier hearing car is outside and a rustling that is rather pleasant that I cannot tell whether it is the cars or the leaves Rushleigh against each other blowing in the wind now a release of wind that sounds like brakes on the bus and the room of the electric engine in the door of the apartment building shutting heavy downstairs and now the bus taking off from the stop and hearing the chime on the phone that tells me my voice is stopped being recorded so opening my eyes and seeing again and switching to that sense thinking now of smell and taste which I have said before really aren’t
I spent years seeking love,
hoping someone would want to be rooted in me,
to grow with me.
Some came and eroded my soul,
others came and took more than they gave,
and some came offering lessons,
like how painful love can be,
how flesh can corrode the purest intentions
and being with someone doesn't always chase the loneliness away.
I spent years seeking love,
wondering who could love someone like me,
the answer was always you.
Only you could want a lost treasure
no one could find value in.
So I will love you like the ocean loves the shore, no matter what I do or which way I go,
I will always crash right back into you. — Black Rose II by Jade Novelist an extract from “African Gentleman”