Children who experience trauma are likely to undergo a shift where they attend more to their external environment than their internal cues. When their family or household is unsafe, they may begin to utilize survival strategies in order to cope with the chaos or harm they are experiencing; they may begin to function for others as a way to survive their upbringing.
Children surviving trauma are often forced into people-pleasing roles. They may come to believe that if they can control their environment (read: keep their caregivers "happy") then they can maintain safety; they may come to believe that if they are perfect or need-less then they can stay out of harm's way. Of course the developing brain is not aware of this process, this is innate, this is automatic, this shift is solely for survival's sake.
The traumatized child may appear to have it all together, all of the time. These are the kids who are told, "I never had to worry about you" or "I have always been able to talk to you like you were an adult" or some other inappropriate statement that a caregiver says to someone who is in fact, not their peer. Children are not their parents' peers, ever. Children are never met to meet the needs of their caregivers and yet when trauma is existing within the household, when untreated trauma is present for the adult, the child often becomes the one to carry the burden.
The burden of having to grow up too soon has a lot of consequences as we age. We may settle into perfectionism because we believe people expect us to perform flawlessly all of the time. We may develop an unhealthy relationship with food or our bodies because we may try to grab onto the feeling of control in any place we can. We may have a history of relational disturbances because we may believe our role is to take care of others, rather than find someone who meets our own needs. We may not even have a sense for what our needs are.
To those of you who had to grow up too fast, who had to caretake your caregiver, and who had to act 'as if' in order to survive, I see you.
1,3215621 January, 2020
Saw this on reddit and thought it was brilliant. I hope that this idea spreads.
7511920 January, 2020
She slipped into those shoes I loved. Four inch heels, cool charcoal grey with the faintest hint of cheetah on the soles. The ones she only wore when Dad and her went to fancy dinner parties or overdue date nights. I associated her happiness the most with those shoes, and it had been three years since the divorce and five years since I had seen them leave their place on the rack.
“Yes my love.” She scuttled around, tilting her head to fasten her earrings and tidying the room at the same time.
“Are you going on a date?”
“If you must know.” She quipped, smoothing the back of her dress.
“Do you love him?”
She flashed a flustered smile. “Oh, I don’t know, honey. It’s a little soon to say.”
“Well what if it doesn’t work?” I pressed. “How do you know you’re ready?”
She stopped adjusting her appearance and gestured for me to sit with her. Taking my hands in hers, she sighed. “Sweetheart, love is complicated. You can’t be ready for love unless you are also ready for that person to disappoint you. Real love weeds out the ones you aren’t willing to be hurt by. So if you can find someone worth the risk, you know it’s a love that’s worth your investment.”
“Did Dad ever hurt you?”
She winced. “Your father hurt me very much. In the end I decided the love wasn’t worth the pain that came with it.”
“But now, “ She kissed my forehead. “now Mama is free. She is learning how to love again.”
I heard the front door lock in the far reaches of my memory as I pressed the icepack to my temple. The stitches had mostly healed but the bruises never seemed to fade the way I wanted, and coming up with explanations for their recurrence was becoming more difficult.
I side stepped my way to the closet as my heart pounded loudly enough to make me fear waking him. Holding my breath, hands swimming in the dark to retrieve the only pair of heels I owned - four inches of cheetah and charcoal grey, just like Mama’s best.
F A I T H F U L - what God has been to us.
Meet my son, Cooper. .
He was born over 3 months early. 25 weeks, 4 days. He weighed 1 pound 12 ounces and he was right at 12 inches long. Coop spent 6.5 months in the NICU . 188 nights and 189 days.. before we brought our baby boy home.
Severe Chronic Lung Disease, Anemia, Respiratory Distress Syndrome, Apnea,, Bradycardia, Tachycardia, Tachypnea, Desaturation, Jaundice, Blood transfusions, Sepsis, MRSARhino/Enterovirus, GERD (reflux), Nissen Fundoplication Surgery, NG tube, OG tube, NJ tube, Mic-Key G tube, AMT G Jet tube, Retinopathy of Prematurity (stage 3, zone 3 with Plus Disease), Laser Eye Surgery to correct ROP in both eyes, Patent Ductus Arteriosis (PDA), Intraventricular Hemorrhage (brain bleed), Umbilical Hernia, Hydrocele, Pneumonia, Spinal tap
All in the NICU. ^^^^
Then, at 17 months.. He still couldn’t sit unassisted. So I did what I do best. I advocated LOUD and HARD, until the doctor’s listened to my cries that SOMETHING WAS WRONG. You could see that it hurt him to sit up. Brain and Spinal MRI. They found a large mass in liver through the Spinal MRI. He was diagnosed with Hepatoblastoma (an extremely rare liver cancer) the next day.
6 intensive rounds of harsh Chemotherapy, causing him to not only lose the hair on his head.. but his eyebrows and eyelashes too. His little body became frail. Eyes sunk inward. He got placed at the very top of the organ Transplant Waiting List and then he received the best gift our family will ever be given. He got a second chance at life, thanks to his angel organ donor in Heaven. He had a life-saving liver transplant. .
There is HOPE. There is beauty from ashes and brokenness. Stay the course.
📸 Via @Iamkaylakelley
Well, I always say that despite his toxic and manipulative behavior and even if he hurt me really really bad, I wish him the best, because you know... karma : what goes around comes around^^
But in that case, I have to admit that it’s quite true 😇
On a daily basis I write down 3 things I am grateful for. Somedays it is definitely challenging when faced with a difficult day. Today one of the biggest things I am grateful for is my tata(dad's) CT scan results. 4 years ago I didn't even think he'd be alive to see me get married let alone meet my child. Almost 4 years brain tumor free, walking miracle this man. I'm eternally grateful for him still being with us and being able so share the love, joy and laughter with Adriana.
After a productive morning at Clatterbridge I really needed a bit of headspace to mull over a decision that needed to be made. Problem is I really couldn’t be arsed going for a run in the rain but after a fuck tonne of fannying about putting it off it turned out to be exactly what I needed.
I find that often my mind goes to where I want to be in the run (around 100 metres from my front door) instead of where it is, today I tried to be more in the present and appreciate the moment. This worked well on the whole except for when the moment had a sore arse cheek in it at which point I focused on food instead.
Either way it was a really steady enjoyable half marathon in Baltic conditions that reminded me a) how very much I have to be grateful for and b) how fucking cold this country is in January.
And no matter what evidence may suggest otherwise...I run this body. #running#run#runnersofinstagram#instarunner#instarunners#thisgirlcan#runlikeagirl#runhappy#marathontraining#londonmarathon#ukrunchat#survivor#grateful#namaste
🦵🏻The meniscus is a piece of cartilage that provides a cushion between your femur (thighbone) and tibia (shinbone). There are two in each knee joint. They can be damaged or torn during activities that put pressure on or rotate the knee joint , I injured my knee over 13 years ago and have had ongoing issues ever since. After multiple xrays and mri’s I was told I had ripped my meniscus, my acl ligament was ruptured, my knee out of line and because of all this arthritis. I had surgery just over a year ago to repair my meniscus and tidy up anything that needed tidying. Today I had a hospital appointment to discuss the next steps. I talked with my doctor and he was concerned as a normal meniscus injury there’s only 1 or 2 rips I had 10 😳 7 being down one side of my knee and part of it was out of place and had to be pushed back during surgery. As Iam still experiencing pain and instability on a daily basis he has booked me in for another MRI and depending on what is found another surgery to remove any damaged meniscus as there was signs another part of it is still damaged. There was discussions of surgery to realign my leg but as it’s a big surgery with no guarantees of success that has been put on hold. I have been battling on with this for years now , I certainly don’t do anything by half’s! 🦵🏻 #knee#kneejourney#kneeinjury#kneesurgery#kneeoperation#orthepedic#meniscus#meniscustear#meniscusrepair#cartilage#acl#aclrecovery#aclrupture#aclsurgery#realignment#arthritis#arthritiswarrior#arthritiswarrior#versusarthritis#pain#chronicpain#strong#survivor@versusarthritis